You should tell a medical professional exactly what you told a bunch of people on the internet just now. And you should do it as soon as possible.

When I did that, they sent me to the ER and the ER doc put me in the hospital for a week. Yes it was upsetting, but it probably saved my life. I'm on meds that work now, have some decent support, and wouldn't even think about harming myself.

That's not how it always goes, but you shouldn't play with this. It's not a game, it's a medical emergency. Treat it like one so you can get well.

Good luck.