Geesh.... half of my post is gone. What's up with that! I will try again to pull up the last of it.

The stress of anxiety is often influence by my mood which effects the levels of anxiety. If I am stable or somewhat hypomanic then I can be pretty engaging with people. If I am depressed or just generally anxious then I will pull back.

I have noticed some improvement since we started this journey. I am generally more mindful of how I am feeling; how the anxiety is reacting in a particular situation. It is interesting to me how the focused breathing is becoming somewhat automatic. It will sometimes click in on its own when the anxiety starts to climb. I will notice it happening in the middle of taking a deep breath without having self determined to do it. I am grateful for that because sometimes when the anxiety really has a hold on me the thought of breathing through it just feels like more work. I will get even more upset and sometimes really angry by the situation becaus it seems like everything is always about doing the 'work'. arrgg!!

Mine is not so much shyness as feeling conspicuous with my behaviours when I am feeling very anxious around people. Perhaps that is a form of shyness afterall. I don't do parties or gatherings much. I find them too over stimulating and really uncomfortable for me. Special occassion with family is about all I manage to do when the anxiety is hyperactive. I tend to cancel out more often than not. I can go from being the centre of conversation to the frightened little mouse in the corner in a matter of a couple of hours of engagement. If I do go to a gather I usually leave early. I will try to stick it out by taking a few unnoticed retreats to quieter spaces where I can regroup a little. I will usually head outside to walk around and focus on breathing and just being present in the moment. If there is a garden nearby that is my natural place to go. I usually will return more leveled out and able again to engage. It comes back to the concept of showing myself kindness. To not judging myself or increasing the anxiety by being frustrated or angry about my current reality.

I am really sorry you had a difficult time at the party with your friends. I can relate to the total brain freeze and that is usually when I will take a brake away from the group or say my goodnights early. Sometimes that seems too obvious so I will tough it out and pay for it later when I am alone and the supressed anxiety explodes into a meltdown.

It doesn't sound as though retreating was much of an option last night so I can appreciate how hard the time was for you. But you went Lavie. That is something to credit yourself for doing. That is not so very insignificant in the grander scheme of things. I think when we are the only ones in the room dealing with high anxiety it makes it that much tougher to cope. We just feel so isolated from the 'normals'. I often wish I could transport my friends here into my real world just so I could socialize with people who get me. I image life would be much less stressful if that were possible. Mental illness is a very lonely illness.

I wish I knew the secret to healing Lavie. As far as I can figure it is about being kind and patient with oneself. Small comfort when little to no change seems to happen. When it seems to alway be about working through it time and time again. I do believe it will get better so I hang my hat on that and just keep doing my part to get to that end. My ex says I am getting worse so I don't know if it will ever turn around but I have to believe it will or I just know I will totally isolate myself and believe it is all hopeless and not worth any effort to try to get better.

I think we need to be careful to avoid defining ourselves by the challenges we face. I think there is a fine line between accepting our 'disabilities' as a reality in the present and accepting it as a reality for the rest of our days. Otherwise we become lost to hopelessness and I just refuse to believe you or I or the others walking in our shoes are hopeless.

I know like me you have been dealing with this for many many years. It can feel like hanging on to the threads of hope is delusional thinking. But the alternative just isn't acceptable. People do find healing or at least they find ways to manage effectively enough to live 'normal' lives. The same just has to be possible for us too.

I think what we are doing by committing ourselves to meditation and practicing the mindset meditation can bring is a step in the right direction. I believe those sensations and thoughts that we feel during and after meditation can be transfered into our day to day more and more as well stay on the path. Just as the relaxation breathing is become more and more automatic for me I think the same can be said about a meditative state become more sustainable.

There is a quote in the Bible that says, 'pray without ceasing'. It is not about always being in a 'formal' praying situation but it is an attitude of prayer that maintains a sense of connection with powers outside of ourselves. It is empowering and calming to walk in a prayerful state. I think meditation is just another interpretation of that teaching. Its a state of being more then a conscious exercise.

Well this is what you get when I loose a portion of a post. I think it was no more then another paragraph lost but here I go again making a novella from one thought flooding over after another. I am sorry about that. I know it can be taxing on people to try to actually get to the end of my rambling thoughts. I blame it all on the bipolar. Oh... sometimes it is nice to have bi polar to take the blame for things. lol.

I wish you well Lavie. It was one difficult experience and while it can be haunting and discouraging it need not determine your future. There are better days ahead. I just know it must be so. Our lives have value and meaning and our 'afflictions' are part of the package. We will overcome and we will be stronger, more aware, more compassionate, more kind because of it. One day at a time in hope and beauty.

Walk in beauty, walk in peace.