OMG! I guess I do feel a little spiraly. I'm just going to dump it all here.

WHY hasn't T replied? Why did he take so long to reply to my e-mail on Friday? My brain SO wants to go to "he doesn't care about me, he only cares if I'm paying, he wishes I would go on a break forever and leave him alone". It's sooooo stupid. I can look at our relationship and the mountains and mountains of evidence to the contrary, but my spiraly brain still wants to go there.

I really really really really don't want to get into some kind of rupture-in-my-own-head with T during this break, because how would we fix it? We fix it by talking, and we're not talking right now. Not to mention that fact that it would be a completely one-sided rupture. T is off doing whatever he is doing and not in a rupture with me at all!

I think that after T replies to this e-mail, I'm just going to have to not e-mail him again for my own sanity. I know me, and I know where my thoughts go, and it gets soooo hard to separate what I feel and what I'm afraid of from what's REAL.

I feel sad that if he doesn't get my e-mail/e-mail me back/whatever he'll be gone on vacation and I won't hear from him until next week.

I really really wish we would have talked about this before I took the break. I feel sooooo stupid.