I cannot help but ponder why some think that I may be hiding behind emails. Expressing myself in emails instead of using my words in real life or face to face. My thoughts on that? Look at all the famous writers who poured themselves out into best selling novels and other various published materials. I think that a good many of them are probably not ones who would express so much of that openly with at person 'face to face'.

I may be really off on this as I am not one to really do that much 'novel' reading. I have read more poetry and seen how they express themselves so beautifully with written words. Their written words show so much of how they feel. Often times I feel myself drawn into their writings. I feel the pain, the hurt, the joy, the freedom, etc..

I actually think I have the gift of writing. I have written many poems and other random things that I don't share with people that often. Having this 'gift' allows me to have a sense of freedom. Freedom to express myself in any way that I need to. We cannot just walk around and express our feelings onto people! We have to be careful what we say. When I write, I can say whatever I want to. I then choose those I want to read them.

I know that I need to learn to express my feelings and emotions in person. I need to bring those feelings to the surface when in session. Then again, I question why I am 'supposed' to do that? They are my feelings. Why do I need to show them to others? Why can't they be something I keep for myself? We give so much of ourselves away. There are some things that I want to keep for me. Just for me. When I keep these things for ME, I don't have to worry about what I said, how I said it, did it come across as rude? was it mean? was I insensitive? was I overreactive? did I say something dumb or stupid? will they twist my words into something that was not meant to be? do I have a weird expression on my face? am I looking stupid? etc...

Not everyone can express themselves in writing. I feel blessed that I can. Writing flows easily for me. I can pour myself out into those pages. I can get lost in my own little world. Is that bad? Is that hiding? Is that being a coward? I don't see it that way. In addition to seeing this as a gift, I also see it as a way for me to cope. To cope with my emotions and feelings in a safe way. I am not hurting myself, and I am not hurting anyone else.

The relationship I have with my therapist is pretty solid. Yes, I get mad at her many times, but I know she is just doing her job and I can appreciate and accept that. Sending her some of my assignments through an email is working for us. She encourages me to do that. To write out what I am feeling and to go ahead and send it to her when I am 'in the moment".

Yes, I do talk with her openly in our sessions. I do bring in my typed journal assignments. Just because I have written out some things, does not mean that it is easier for me. If you have ever poured yourself out onto paper and had someone read that out loud in front of you, you will know how hard that is for me. I am not in any way taking the easy way out. It is grueling to have her read my most intimate private thoughts. My fears, my sadness, my hurt, my stories.....

I do understand that we don't need to suppress our emotions and feelings. I am not doing that. Before therapy I would NEVER allow anyone to read things I have written. It has taken great courage to allow my therapist to read my words silently, as well as, out loud in front of me. That brings up a lot of emotions and feelings for me. We do talk about those feelings and I do feel them when I am with her. Yes, I do need to feel them more when I am with her, but that takes time. That takes me trusting her more and more. I am learning to do that.

We are all so different. I am one who thinks that I need to constantly be talking in therapy. I need to constantly express myself. Or course, I am silent at times. I need to be quiet and think. That is why I bring music to therapy. I bring songs that touch me deeply and relate to what I am going through at the time. Many times I sit huddled in the floor with my blanket and pillow. I cry. I sob. I squirm like a worm in hot ashes. I can tell you that I am feeling a lot!

She watches me. She studies me. Sometimes she will come onto the floor and sit with me. We do sit together and just listen. Listen to the words of the songs I have chosen. I often print out the lyrics and give them to her. On those pages, I make notes about the lyrics. I write out what I feel about those words. This is my way of expressing myself.

I hope that I never lose this ability to express myself in writing. It is my source of strength, not my way of hiding out. I hope that I never stop emailing and writing things to my therapist. I have addressed this with her to get her take on it. She has explained somewhat of the same things I have said in here.

She tells me that I should not be worried that I may be the only client she has that does this much writing. She tells me that many other clients out there, also do this. I just happened to be the only one she has at the time who is doing it. She says that obviously this is my way of processing and that is okay. Not everyone can pour themselves out onto paper so easily. She reassures me all the time that I am not driving her nuts with emails. As you can tell from the response she gave to me on Sunday, she wants me to do this. She encourages me to do this.

I guess I said all that to say this. I don't hide behind emails or journal writing. It is not necessarily easier to do this. Can I write them out easier than I can say them? Yes, I can. But that does not diminish my feelings at all. This is me. This is who I am. Are we working on me? Yes, we are. Is she trying to change the way I process things? No, she is not.

Does she want me to bring more emotions and feelings into our sessions? Yes, she does, and I will. I will do that in time. I am a work in progress. I will figure all this out one day. I am okay with me at the moment and I actually like that I am a writer. I am embracing this gift and using it to the best of my ability. I do not see this as a handicap. I see this as a stepping stone to reach greater heights.

I also see this as a ladder. I am climbing one rung at a time. Sometimes I feel that I am almost to the top, and I see more rungs to climb. More steps to take. I may be weary and tired. I look up and then I look down. I have to make a choice at that time. Do I keep going? Do I go back down? Sometimes I don't know, so I just stay there for awhile. Maybe that is where I am now. I am sitting on the rungs of my ladder. Asking myself, "Squiggle, what do you want to do? Is this as far as you are going to go? Will you stop here or will you pause to take a rest and then keep on climbing?

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I hope I will continue reaching my greatest potential, but I am tired right now. I need a rest. If I don't stop and cling on with all my might, I am going to fall. I better rest for awhile and build up my strength before I take another step. Maybe that is why I shut down last session. Was I resting on the rungs of my ladder?

I knew that I would come to some great revelation sooner or later. I knew all that anger from last session was there for a reason. I have found the answer. I needed to rest. I needed to just be with my emotions and set them free. They were weighing me down and causing me to lose my balance. I am still off balance right now, but I am getting stronger. I am not giving up just yet. I am just sitting on my ladder. Not looking up. Not looking down. Just looking straight ahead.