u are not attention seeking, you are looking to express your hurt to someone.
And we see it.
I wish it was so simple to make u feel better but its hard to create a miracle out of words on a screen.
Its true you need to reach out. You need to ask for some medical help.
Im sorry ur hurting.
U talked about god
Here. Did u go to church? Maybe if you make a plan to go to a church and just sneak in the back , something will help you. I dont know im not a believer. But if something has brought you peace before maybe it will again.
I will hope for good times to come to you again.