I agree with you that AJ doesn't deserve to be verbally abused and I hope you and AJ's dad don't end up on opposite ends because it's important you both be united. After all these years AJ is used to both of you enabling him. I think your ex thinks he giving tough love but he bordering on abuse. The problem is, if AJ gets the senses you sympathize with him, this will reel him back into feeling safe doing nothing again. If he thinks he getting the short end of the stick now, he won't get the motivation to survive on his own.

I think ideally he should have to totally support himself, with living expenses and personal expenses - even not living with you. If he can't pay the mortgage, then he'll have to find a place to rent. I know it hurts but you shouldn't show you feel sorry for him IMO. Is he looking for a job yet?