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mixedup_emotions · Apr 05, 2011, 01:09 PM

I am still in migraine misery at the moment, but I wanted to post a couple of things that felt really good, for a change.

Last week, during group T, I raised the issue of me not planning to attend group that day because of how awful I felt physically – and how when I do attend when I’m feeling poorly, I don’t contribute as much – then leave feeling worse than I did prior, either by feeling worthless or by having a build-up of emotions that I was unable to express due to my lack of energy. I recognized on my way to group that day that I continue to push myself to go – even when I don’t feel well – because I don’t want certain people to view me as a failure, and that I don’t want to feel as though I’m a failure.

So, we talked about this a bit…and one group member said, “If I can be selfish for a minute. I WANT you here, whether you feel well enough or not. Even if you sit there and not say anything, I would rather you BE here than not. Just like my wife when she has a cold, I would rather her still be sleeping next to me. I want you here.”

I was so touched by that – but felt pressured at the same time. I realize that the pressure of not wanting to be a failure is “my stuff”, and I need to work on that to figure it out. But at the moment, I’m in survival-mode.

Then, over the last couple days, I was feeling SO awful with an intense someone-please-shoot-me-and-put-me-out-of-my-misery migraine. I reached out to T for some comfort, and his response felt so good. He was saying things like, “I would do anything short of harming another person if it meant being able to take away this pain.”

And this was the shocker! This morning, he sent me an email – on his own – basically checking in with me because he knew how awful I felt yesterday and with the weather being bad today, that he imagined that I was feeling poorly today. He has NEVER done that before.

I feel so cared for, amidst the misery.

I have group T tonight and see T for my individual session on Thursday...then he goes away, and I won't see him for probably 3 weeks. YIKES! I am worried about that, because I am not in a good place physically - which wreaks havoc on me emotionally. I don't want to share how badly I'm feeling with T because it will be our last session before he goes away. I'll cross that bridge when I get there though, because it's a couple days away....