So today I laid down my emotional armor in front of T.....I made a shield to be symbolic of that emotionally. It was so powerful, even before I went, to have that tangible symbol of my emotional armor, something real that I could see, something separate from me, something I could lay down....
So T liked it!
First I held it, like you hold a shield, with my arm through the loops I put on the back for putting it on your arm. And I said, first of all, that it was representing the way I deflect emotions so I don't have to feel them all, so that not all the power in them hits me, so that others' words/actions don't hurt me so much. The way I ask her a question back when she asks me one, avoiding or deflecting the question so I don't have to face the feelings/thoughts brought up by it; the way I intellectualize or spiritualize so that I can deflect the emotion, deflect the power of it, to dilute the intensity of how it hits me.....
Then I told her I didn't want to do that anymore, I wanted to lay down the shield, because it felt so odd to be sitting there holding it.....I meant to really lay it down, but instead ending up handing it to her at the last moment! Which shocked her at first, though she said she saw the switch....at first, she was like, I don't want it! I wasn't bothered, because I knew what she meant.....that she didn't want to be the armor-bearer for me, for one thing, that it wasn't hers to take from me, to rescue me.
Anyway, so then we discussed how I had made it, with the tin foil covering and the heart I drew and colored on it. She said, were you deliberate in making it reflective, making it look more like metal armor? And this heart, is it really your heart? What did you mean by making it this way?
I had made the heart to show that I was shielding the fullness of my heart, from her and others in general, and that I wanted to shield less of my heart and share more. But her question was, is this really your heart or just the heart you want to be seen, are you just pretending to open all your heart? Good question.....the answer is, I have always been careful what part of my heart I showed, I have showed some of my heart, in a sense, worn the heart I wanted people to see on my sleeve and hidden the true heart.
She said to me that she could often see me hiding....like when she read my journaling, I would turn away from her, like shielding myself. Wanting to be seen, yet shielding myself. So I said, so I want to hide, I'm trying to hide, I want you to see my heart and yet I want to hide. But if you see I'm hiding, how I am hiding? Then she pushed me to look into that comment further, what does it mean, how I am hiding if she sees me hiding? Well, it means I am found already....so why keep hiding if my hiding place is seen, if I am found?! But she said, you still have the protective stance....shielding yourself.
She was holding it the whole time we discussed this. But then gave it back to me to hold while we talked a little more, because she wanted me to hold it. She told me it was OK to hold it when I needed to, when I didn't feel safe, when I felt like hiding, and it was OK to put it down. So after a bit, I put it down, and we discussed how it felt to put it down.....and it felt oddly light and liberating.... She told me I could pick it up again if I wanted, and I said, no, I want to sit here without shielding myself.
So when she read my journaling, instead of turning away from her as usual, I faced her, and tried to keep my body open instead of closed up in a ball with arms and legs crossed and pulled against me.....
In my journaling, I mentioned the robe of light (from my other thread, emotional armor) and how I could wear that instead of heavy metal armor (so to speak). She liked that thought and thought it would be a beautiful idea to go find a necklace charm or something to represent that and wear it.
In the end, she kept my shield in her office and put it in a safe place and I am free to use it anytime I need to in the future!
She thought it was wonderful that I made the shield and said it took guts to bring it in and to go through with using it and discussing it and being vulnerable with her. I was nervous beforehand and told her so.....she told she a story about something that made her nervous, which helped me relax, actually. But she said she was honored I trusted her with this, with laying down my shield to be transparent with her.....
Anyway, no one has to read all of this, this is just me processing my session out loud in a way to help myself and if anyone listened in to all of it, I am impressed!