The hospital experience started off pretty good until the second day. There was a social worker that wanted to ask me some questions about what I am going through. The bigest issue I have is all the flashbacks & visions of what I saw when I caught the RN stealing my Mothers ID & then after the RN had OD'ed my Mother on the Morphine, all I can see are the visions of my Mother suffering while the cancer continued to spread without any support from anyone in the hospital to help me get through what I was seeing of even helping me with understanding what was going on.

When I tried to say something about the RN, the social worker said that it was only hearsay & she didn't want to hear anything about it. She asked the same questions that had absolutely nothing to do with what I was feeling of going through & I refused to answer the same question over & over again. I told her that my answer was going to be the same no matter how often she asked the question & I refused to answer the question any more. She was a total ***** & I got so mad at her I refused to talk to her any more. She asked the stupid question if I was mad at her. I told her that I had no intention on being harassed & she was doing exactly what the police were doing to me when they wouldn't let me tell them what I had been going through.

The anger was building up so much that I couldn't takd it any more. It took me until the next day to get all my thoughts together & realize that I couldn't stay in a place where I wasn't able to get help for what was really bothering me. I told them I was going to leave & their comment was that they had to talk to my pdoc first. I really didn't give a damn what his answer was;. He said that he wanted me there for a couple more days & I told the staff that there was no way that was going to happen & I decided to go AMA.,

I did call my pdoc up & explained what when on & how unprofessional that social worked was. He defended her, but understood how I felt. I had my appointment with my psychologist on Sunday afternoon & he suggested going to an outpatient program at another hospital. I called the director up today & told her what I had gone through & she sounded very kind & had nothing nice to say about the way the other social worker acted. I was so upset at the time I left the hospital, I was a total mess. I couldn't stop shaking & was so sick to my stomach I couldn't make it home without getting sick.

Anyway, I am going to go to the outpatient treatment later this morning......about 9:30am. I trust my psychologist & am sure that this suggestion will be much better than this last experience. It can't be worse at all.....nothing can be worse than that experience.

I will never cooperate with people who treat me like that. I do have a problem with the way I was brought up in that I always had to respect people even with they didn't deserve it. There are times when I wish I could just let go of the way I was taught to treat people who don't deserve respect. I don't know why it is so hard to be nasty to people who are rude to me & I know they deserve to be treated without respect. For some reason, I observed this social worker treating everyone she interfaced with completely rude. My pdoc said she was a good social worked, but if that is his opinion, I am now questioning his opinions now too.

I am hoping that this outpatient treatment will be good. I am in need of help so bad. All I can do is cry. Even when I am out with my horses, I stay away from the people & all I can do is give my horses love & hugs. I just can't stop the crying & giving my horses hugs & getting kisses from them seems to help some, but I feel so messed up right now I just want to stay away from everyone. I don't want anyone to know how bad I am feeling & try to hide myself from everyone. I had really hoped that this time, the hospital would help, but for some reason, everytime I go into there, I feel like I am in prison & that brings back the feelings of when the police were trying to accuse me of abusing my Mother last year.

I am so tired of everything bringing back all those feelings from last year. I need relief & I don't need a stupid social worker making it worse when I needed help to make me better.

I am going to try I find out how I can file a complaint against her. I feel that she made my life feel so horrible that the hospital needs to know how horrible she treats the patients. I am sure it won't make any difference, but it will make me feel better to at least voice my experience about how she hurt me without even knowing what was going on with me before she said anything. I am sure that they will tell me that it is my fault for allowing myself to react to her the way I did, but I also feel that a social worker should be sensitive enough to understand that triggers can hurt patients & they need to know more about the patient than just saying things without knowing the person first.

I am realizing that I am having more anger feelings than I ever had before in my life. Some of it is because of all the feelings I am experiencing toward the RN, other is because of the feelings I have toward my husband. I am really having problems realizing how much hate I can have inside of me & it scares me knowing how the hate is effecting me. I am praying that once I am out of my home life & am around the things that I totally love that I will be able to feel so better. The hate feeling is very destructive & am scared that the longer I am feeling it, the more it will become a feeling that I won't be able to get rid of. All I know is that the feelings of hate are horrible & I want it to all go away.

I remember when my pdoc wanted me into the pysh hospital last year when I was having the anorexia problem along with the horrible stress. His feeling was that i needed both psych help & medical help, but when I walked into the hospital, I turned & walked out. I had the feeling of being in prison & after being harrassed by the police about abusing my Mother. I just can't handle the feelings that the mental hospital causes...& from now on, I will never agree to any suggestions for going to a psych hospital. Too many times I have had the same feelings & know that it just doesn't work for me.

I hope that anyone else who has the need for entering a psych hospital has much better experieices than I have had.

Debbie