Quote:
Originally Posted by Suratji
When I first starting seeing T in December, I went in with what I thought were some fairly simple issues and I expected to be done in 3 or 4 sessions. If we took a poll on this, I bet the majority thought the same thing! I know I did. 12 sessions was all I was doing. Just enough to satisfy my regular MD so she would prescribe me something for depression and anxiety. Being off and on meds for 20 years, she thought it was high time to see what was really going on. She made me so mad! I did NOT want to go and see a shrink (as I called it back then).
Now, 18+ sessions later, I'm in a much worse place. NOW, I'm obsessed with therapy. NOW, I have out of control emotions. NOW, I'm having a hard time focusing on my RL job or even caring about it. NOW, I'm more confused than I've ever been. NOW, my feelings are raw raw raw. NOW, I'm even less sure who I am. NOW, I'm behaving unlike I ever have. NOW, I don't trust myself at all. NOW, I'm engaging in painful self-absorption. NOW, I'm needy. NOW, I'm dependent. I think I wrote this same letter to my therapist a few months ago. Did I accidentally send it to you by mistake?? It sure sounds like the one I wrote.
So, should I quit therapy and go back to a normal life? Or should I continue on with this seemingly exercise in futility? Where will it lead?
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If it were not for my mom, sister, and husband keeping me grounded in this, I would have stopped months ago. They see changes in me. They see the good that is coming from therapy. I am a bit blinded right now because I
feel out of control. I
feel worse off. I
feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I
feel like quitting every time I leave a session.
Fortunately, we do not live our lives based on how we
feel about everything. We make choices based on truths, not feelings. As they say,
"Feelings are fickle!" If we let our
feelings lead us in life, we would be on a mixed up path with mixed up signs and signals! Like being on the road and having green, red, and yellow flashing lights at the same time. Stop signs at every turn. Pressing on the gas pedal and the brake pedal at the same time! We have no idea what gear we are in: drive, neutral, stop? The result is that we end up crashing!
I do know that importance of feelings, but we (I) cannot let me overpower me. One day I
feel one way, the next I
feel something totaly different. Sometimes I don't
feel anything at all, so I have to put myself on auto pilot for awhile.