Guys, I'm not doing so hot. I've been dealing with this most recent wave of intense anxiety since January and while meds have helped some recently, it's just not enough. Each day is another round of dealing with urgent real life stuff while also mustering the energy to deal with my twisted insides.

Job, family, taxes, foreclosure, bankruptcy, dealing with it all is all I do. Life in perpetual crisis and there's nothing left of me to deal with my screwed up mental health. I'm just an empty shell with a name, a perpetual motion machine dreaming of sleep.

I'm worn out. I know tomorrow morning I'll wake up in a panic and throw up, just like I always do. Then it's kids to school and I'm off to the tax man and then work and as distraction causes my panic to subside it will be this feeling of sinking sorrowful sadness that replaces it.

I want desperately to give up but I can't. I have too many people depending on me and even though financially things are a disaster, it would be far worse if I failed to carry on, make money, pay bills, do the dishes, bathe the kids, help with homework...

What's happening to me? I recognize the pattern of anxiety to depression but I seem to be losing some essential piece of me this time around. Where's the me that daydreams of future film or writing projects? Where's the entertainer, the performer, the people pleaser?

I've become Yorick. "Where be your jibes now, your gambols, your songs, your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?" Madness.

I'm just so friggin' sad and it's too much. I'm trapped in place, clinging to the side of a slippery slope and my arms are so damned tired.

I guess I just needed to write about this; hoping for some magical cathartic relief. You know, just a post to acknowledge the pain of it all. Tomorrow will be the same as today and yesterday and I'll endure because that's what I do, like it or not.

Don't worry about me, I'll be.

Cyran0