I feel like I'm completely losing it... and I don't even know what "it" is, exactly. A mask of sanity perhaps? Like everything is coming crashing down all at once. I'm a good pretender. I carry on a normal job, lead a fairly normal life... well, it's not much of a life. I am a single mom and all I do is work and take care of kids... don't trust people enough to actually have friends. But still, on the surface, all is okay.

But it's starting not to be. And that scares me. I'm losing my temper several times a day. With the kids, with random people at the store, with people that I work with... Rages that are out of control. Throwing stuff, etc... even hurting myself on purpose just to take it out on someone.

I contemplate suicide daily- I plan it out. The date, the details... it gives me a comfort of a near future ending to all this madness. I'm just afraid the mask of sanity I wear is coming off and I will lose my job, my kids... everything.

My T explains it takes time to go through things, to replace all the negative stuff we've been telling ourselves for years with positive. I don't have time! Not to live this way.

phew.... ok thanks for letting me vent.