Yesterday in session, I was telling my T about how emotionally I am numb right now. But this time it feels very different. He said that I went down my rabbit hole. I tend to do that!

Today at lunch I was enjoying just sitting there with the sunshine and playing a game on my iPad while listening to music. That is when something dawned on me.

As a child, we try to dig our way through the earth in hopes of comming out the other side. Children love to think about what that would look like!

My T said something - he said I had allowed my emotions to go deeper - past the anger. And I thought "Well, what is past anger?"
This time it is not a true numbing. I didn't avoid the emotions last week, I was with them fully. I don't want them again, but I was there with them while they were with me. Then it was true, I went deep into my hole. And I kept on digging and digging and falling down.

Sometimes I think Alice in Wonderland may be a fitting metaphore in these situations. I feel like I dug so deeply that I dug all the way through the earth and here I am on the other side. Perhaps standing on the ceiling in the way children imagine meeting the kids on the other side of the earth.

Either way, I am glad I allowed myself to just be with whatever all that was. Also, I have a sense I will never be the same. And maybe that is a very good thing? After all, that is why I am in therapy - because my old way of doing things wasn't working.