There is an impending death. I am so eager for it. And there will be joy and relief when the death finally occurs. And, me and T are planning a funeral.

There is a period in my life that was full of pain. During that time I wrote a lot in a journal. Every page speaks of my misery. Every sentence tells a tale of woe. Every word drips of agony.

I saved the journal but it had been placed in a padlocked backpack stuff in the recesses of my closet. No one has read it.

Why did I save it? I don't know. Probably some kind of instinct that told me that that place/time of torment and hurt would need to be revisited.

After much resistance and skepticism on my part, I am now reading my journal to T. My resistance was the thinking, "The past is the past. Let it go". But obviously, I have not yet been able to release it.

And so,now, I am journeying backwards in time. Very tough to do, very painful but T says it's necessary so those events won't have power over me anymore.

I asked T if we could conduct a funeral in her office when we both agree that I no longer need the journal and other writings. The journals would be destroyed. She thought it was a great idea. With no ability to consume the corpse to flames, instead maybe I'll just bring a paper shredder and each of us will take turns feeding these remnants of the past to a place no longer accessible by me.

What I envision is that we would create a meaningful ceremony. That T and I both offer a eulogy is a given. And although I usually am not fond of rituals, I want to make the funeral a highly ritualized event.

I don't know if it will be weeks, months or years (heaven forbid!) before the last gasp of life leaves these journals, but when it finally does, I will be ecstatic.

Any ideas on how what else I might do to make the funeral even more meaningful?