My life in razors
It started with my dad's electric Philishave when I was about 15...
I had that little baby-mustache business going on under my nose. You know, the one that looks like old ladies get. Well the razor zapped that in no time. Then the sparse chest hair - I had read that if you shave hair off, it grows back thicker. I figured after a few times, I would have chest hair like Sean Connery playing Bond.
Bad move - it took YEARS to grow back. And no thicker.
When I was 16, I bought a safety razor. The most inappropriately named device ever invented. I also purchased a tube of shaving cream, a brush and a styptic pencil for cleansing and closing cuts. I had no clue how to use any of this stuff, save what I had seen on TV.
Anyway I lathered up and slid the razor tentatively across my face. Just like in the movies. Slasher movies. There was blood everywhere! Hah - no problem to me, I just deploy my brand new styptic pen...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!
It was like dressing an open wound with chilli powder.
Well, I persevered, moving through various twin-blade models before graduating to the newly marketed Gillette Contour - the first swivel-head razor. It had a chunky aluminium handle and was supposedly designed with all sorts of high-tech sensors to ensure that the blade contacted the skin more effectively than with a standard razor. I was sold. It did actually shave very smoothly, and I got a girlfriend about the same time, proving beyond all doubt that such a device will improve one's sexual magnetism. If only I had it now...
In the eighties I bought my first electric. Remember Victor Kiam? The guy who liked his Remington so much he bought the company? (The razor, not the gun.) Well, I was so impressed by his money back guarantee that I bought one. It was better than dad's Philishave but still not as good as my blade razor. Anyway, he seemed such a nice guy, I didn't have the heart to demand my money back. I have it to this day, gathering dust in the bathroom cabinet.
Down the years, I have watched as the blades multiplied and all sorts of fancy lube strips promised to smooth out those facial curves.
My latest purchase is the new Gillette with ridiculously priced blades. I never believed it would be any better than the twin-blade I was using, but its a buzz to buy a sexy new razor and a pretty cheap form of self-indulgence, so my Catholic guilt doesn't torment me too much about it.
The thing which really puzzles me is the vibrating feature though. Makes no difference at all to the shaving efficiency. But I did wonder, in these days of metrosexuality, if it was really a cunning way to conceal a sex toy inside an innocuous-looking toiletry. Looking at the bulbous shape of the handle, I had to wonder if some focus group had got all confessional and admitted to wanting a discreet vibrator which could be carried in their everyday kit without blushing. Is there some hidden marketing agenda here?
Maybe I'm just pervier than most, but I'm pretty sure there must have been a few admissions to A&E already, involving tragic shaving accidents in the shower...
The last word goes to dad's Philishave, though. He passed away a couple of years ago and I inherited it. Nice to remember him when I use it Still a lousy shave though.