thank you for your response,

I will slowly have to regain my self-esteem that was damaged during the years of pain and ill-focus.

It makes me feel really unattractive which is a strange place to be. Women remain attracted to me despite my internal struggle and it actually depresses me when a woman is attracted to me. (I MUST be crazy on that point)

I spent a lot of time gaining new perspectives about love, sexuality, and self-image. I came to realizations that I believe will be empowering when my current worries fade.

I don't really know what I am trying to achieve by sharing my worries but somehow it is cathartic. Perhaps I want to confirm that my conclusions are somewhat irrational and they are amplified by constant physical cues and obsessive thoughts.

If anyone has any further advice or comments I would like to hear them.

Thanks again.