I have Asperger's, and I believe that is what causes me to be so terrible at reconizing my emotions. Besides, I'm usually so detached from reality I don't feel anything really at all. Right now I'm feeling really odd. It's like overwhelming anger, deep depression and joy all wrapped into one. My stomach feels naseous and screwy. It's giving me panic attacks, because I can't identify it and I'm afraid I'll do something stupid because of it. No, I'm not PMSing btw.

Too late to prevent stupid things I might do.

My exboyfriend (who I have broken up with twice now but is still my good friend) came over to hang out today. For the past few months we've only communicated through text. I have NO idea what came over me as we were walking together, but all of a sudden the words "Can I hold your hand?" fell out of my mouth. He was cool with it, since apparently he's "loved" me since he met me 3 years ago. Even knowing all my problems, he still likes me.

Anyway, I think I was just curious to feel what is was like to hold someone's hand since I've never done so with anyone outside my family. It was... weird. I felt surprisingly calm and relaxed with him having his fingers all entwined with mine as we walked around under a starry sky. Kinda uncomforable since he's so tall, but I felt so safe and funny. I kinda had the urge to kiss him, which I fought.

I HATE IT. This stupid feeling makes me feel like I'm gonna puke. It's so weird and horrible! I don't have the skills to hold a relationship anyway, as obvious by my constant dumping of him. And physical/eye contact is just so awkward! I have no idea what came over me. I want it freaking gone.

I don't know what I'm feeling, but I'm terrified my mind is tricking me into thinking I'm feeling something I'm not. Everytime this happens, I get over it in a week. Still, he probably already got the wrong message when I was holding his hand and gave him that hug or two before he went home.

At least he's so understanding. That or he's the biggest idiot I ever met.

This is more of a rant, but any advice is nice. I'm sick of feeling so sick.