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Apr 07, 2011, 03:47 AM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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Thanks luna, it means a lot.
Yesterday, I had a photo shoot that I was worried about going to. I didn't want to do the journey, I didn't feel up to posing in front of the camera and such, but I did it. And man am I glad I did it, because I'm now an agency represented model. I was worried about doing it because I didn't think they'd say I was good enough, but the photographer seemed pretty impressed and said for having only been modelling for 6 months, I've got core skills and am better than just a beginner.
So that really cheered me up and I thought it would help. But yesterday my eating was way out of sync and it was terrible. I got home and David got frustrated because I couldn't eat anything, I got frustrated when I was trying to just FIND something to eat without looking at the calorie and fat content, but it just wasn't happening! Every time I went to go and buy something, that little voice in my head said 'there'll be something with lower calories and fat', so in the end I walked out empty handed, very frustrated and even more angry at myself. In fact, I cried because of it. I cried because I'm scared. I'm scared this is gonna go too far and I'm gonna end up collapsing or something (I have work tomorrow), but I'm too scared to eat anything. 
I WANT to eat something, I feel like utter crap today because of no food! But I just can't do it. A friend of ours has invited us out for dinner tonight. Dave seemed wary because of me, but I said "No, we're going. I'll just have a salad or something." It gives me a reason to eat something because I'm not gonna sit there and make it obvious that I have problems with eating. But then again it gives me a reason not to have breakfast or lunch today. I don't feel hungry at all, I feel slightly weak, I don't have a headache which is unusual for me, and I just don't feel particularly inclined to eat anything. Maybe if I were feeling really hungry, I'd feel desperate to force myself to just eat something. I don't know.
All I know is that I'm scared right now. Really scared.
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