I am trying to determine if I suffer from avoidant personality disorder.

As far back as I can remember, I have been socially inept and avoidant. I think a great part of it is due to my upbringing. I had a mother who raised me to be her caretaker, who told me from a young age that I was born to take care of her and who showed no interest in my personal development. She seems to have done everything in her power to raise me as an adult from the beginning. (Her statements to me have confirmed this.) I was deprived of toys and playmates, and I never learned how to play. (I STILL don't know how to find enjoyment in the company of peers.) I was raised to be obedient; and I was and still am. Socially, I am a dud. I don't smile in social situations and get very stiff and formal. The child (what little of it I can find) inside of me is angry and frustrated and fearful rather than happy.

Romantically I am also stunted. From a young age I was told that love was not important and there was no maternal nuturing. My mother did not believe in hugs and there were none. There was a lot of criticism. Things were said and done with the purpose of changing my personality. I listened to Mom's problems; she did not want to hear mine. I received advice that was in her best interest, e.g., "your problem is that you do not do enough for others." So desperate for parental love, I fell into a game/trap. I kept seeking parental approval that was never given but that continued to feed on my neediness by asking me to take care of them in return for minimal acceptance.

Socially, it seems that I am always fighting myself. The tapes in my head are wrong but they defeat me because I am tired of fighting myself. In short, using cognitive skills challenging these tapes and emotions hasn't worked and has resulted in deepening depression. I don't have parental love and acceptance to fall back on for confidence. There's a pattern of failure after failure. Therapy has been a disaster and I no longer have confidence in it. (I've had many types.) Likewise, meds have not helped much; the side-effects - particularly the sexual ones - impede my progress. I have lost hope. I do laundry on Saturday nights rather than go out. I don't understand nor relate to popular culture. I don't understand love and avoid it at all costs. I am lonely and have no real friends. I need to learn how to play but have no idea how to do it. Any ideas?