have this friend ive known for a year or two, the loyal kind you could trust. i do not believe i am gay, and ive entertained the possibility, but its weird...i find myself with just the name in my mind of this kid, i dont think about him, what he does, anything like that....i swear the name comes in my mind and it is as if some aspect of my mind put it there to drive the other aspects of my mind nuts.

i have tried to fantasize about him to see if i like it, and i dont, i dont get turned on or anything. however, i am not strong enough to purge the possibility that i am gay and this is what bothers me most.

today, i talked to a girl in one of my classes...she was from russia, and i liked her instantly. ive been thinking about her all day even though i said not too much to her and chickened out on talking after class. i dont like anyone getting close to me, not anyone. i screw up relationships, and i dont keep friends...thats my saga to date. i suppose the combination of me being petrified to act like myself around a girl i like, and the never ending antagonizing of my mind causes me to want to just beat myself in the head until it would be serene and quiet so i could focus on something.

i dont know why this bothers me so much. im obsessed maybe? sometimes though, its not like this at all. i believe i do this just to bother me, and i cant stop it, but it does drive me to enraged extremes when i cant stop the voices antagonizing me in my head. theyll tell me to consider this scenario, to picture this, or to see if i would potentially be into this.........all the while i have arrived at the answer of no, not really, or something like that. i will be convinced i am not into homosexuality and then the next day i will do it all over again and want to beat myself in the head for it to stop.

i was reading some things on sexuality on this website the other day. i completely purged this kids name, and i was content and my mind was silent, i was thinking of myself being with a girl i know if i remember correctly. then, perhaps an hour or so later, i lost it again.

often the thoughs associated with this kid are me doing something and extrapolating what his response would be, for approval maybe. i have emotional and mental conditions perhaps, and im seeking help for this, so i dont know if this has to do with anything.

maybe his name comes into my mind just as several other things in a day do, but his sticks because i know it will agitate me and ultimately enrage me because of constant inner conflict within my mind. its like a never ending war, nothing is ever settled in my head.

i may have answered my own question, but whoever reads this has just taken a journey with me through an iteration of my mind, and you can see how agitating it is.

my main concern i have with me questioning my sexuality, is my antagonizing mind for one, but also because i have miserable success with women lately. im so scared and i dont know what of or why, i can picture myself with this girl i mentioned today and yet so little has happened in person....it would take such control on my part to be able to talk in person with an agenda.

there was this one girl not too long ago and i liked her a bunch you could say....i thought it was going to get really serious....but after some sex and some lies, she left me in a seriously bad emotional state/ or rather i tried to leave her for lying, and i couldnt, but she had, so i was left for screwed. my point is, i fell into this girl because she was substandard in most people's eyes, but she was easy even though i liked her. i have no confidence to approach the ones i want....

i feel threatened by the idea of homosexuality, but not always. some days i am comfortable with myself, others i become paranoid.

i cant say im repressing feelings or anything, i look everywhere else for some conclusion to this because i cant do it in my head because it will always be one or the other and i cant stop the antagonizing.

on my best days when i feel most like myself, i dont worry about a thing or hate anyone for any reason....im a charmer to the girls i see, im comfortable in my skin, and im friendly to my peers. its like how i used to be all the time, now all i am is a walking conflict in my head, but i dont even know what the conflict is.

can anyone make sense of this?