I had a really tough session with my T today. It was good, just difficult for me. I shared something with her that I've never shared with anyone before (even previous T's). It was very difficult for me to share, and by the time I was half way done, my entire body was poised for flight. When I was done talking (a grand total of maybe 10 minutes), I was actually shaking. My T stopped me and said that she wanted me to just process what I was feeling before we moved on. As I sat there with all that anxiety, just noticing it, it slowly began to lessen and eventually, I was able to take a deep breath and notice that I had stopped shaking. It was a change from the way I usually behave, which is to force the anxiety away and force myself to appear relaxed. It felt so much better, so much more natural to let the anxiety flow through me and let it pass in it's own time. I'm grateful to my T for showing me how to do that and for allowing me the time to let the anxiety pass.

Anyway, once I could speak again, I told my T that'd I'd never told anyone what I'd told her. She thanked me for trusting her and sharing with her. I told her..."no offense intended, but right now, you're really not welcome!" She understood that I was still just a bit anxious about what I'd shared and just smiled at my response.

Normally, after such a disclosure, I'd be beating myself up for daring to trust someone and share something like that. But...this time was different. I accept that what I told my T was true, and that I trust her, and that telling her will not somehow come back to bite me in the butt. I'm actually okay with telling her, now that I've said it. And I noticed that I'm actually not beating myself up about it. That is such a huge improvement for me!