Heh. Before I was sick, I used to say that I was just too damn curious to consider suicide. I wanted to see how it all turned out.

As I've gotten older, lived more life and read more history books, how most of it is going to turn out has become less suspenseful.

Depression also has a way of gnawing down even the most virulent curiosity, just in case pain and disease's teeth get tired.

I get mad at myself because I'm way too self-absorbed and selfish and have such a neurotic fear of death and general not being comfortable with it at all to actually desire it.

Although because of my health situation, and the impact on my family, (who unlike me are unselfish and good people who never complain) intellectually I know that they would be better off if I didn't continue "lingering," emotionally, I still just don't want to die.

If I were living in bygone times in, like the Polar Nations, I would have been supposed to go out on the ice floe and spare my family the burden, and I bet I wouldn't do it. (One of the reasons I wasn't sure if I should put this here or in the "My Greatest Shame" thread).

And then there's the quality of life issue. Which I have no.right.at.all to complain about when I think about the horrific circumstances of people who are, in every way, better assets to their families, tribes, species, than I am, yet here I am, complaining about it on the very internets.

I complain about it to myself all the time. I try not to complain about it to other people, because there's nothing they can do about it, and if I'm talking to them even close to that level, they're already doing any and everything that they can do to make it as easy for me as they can - and at great personal cost and sacrifice to themselves. (I live in the US, where medical industry products and services are commercial commodities, so any kind of health situation is going to mean great personal cost and sacrifice to all but the wealthiest families, and we were poor to begin with).

So the upshot is that on top of all the other things I feel guilty about, I end up feeling guilty for my failure to come up with any suicidal ideation.