I was going to put this under sleep issues and dream interpretation, but I felt it was a bit heavy on the sexual nonsense for that. Despite me having been too young for sexual fantasies, they were certainly leaning towards that area. Also, the thought of them now kind of excites me and scares me.

Anyway...

I used to have dreams in which I was never quite sure which role I played, if any. I think I still have them, but I don't remember them so well these days. I was male and female (I am actually female), or neither. The earliest ones, I would take characters from cartoons or imagined ones from my toys and dolls, and they would be captured. They would be forced to stay low to the ground. I made them crawl, beg. I took away their dignity and forced them to rely on me. They feared me and loved me. They would try to escape in a moment of bad judgment but inexplicably feel safe as I trapped them again and placed them back in the cage or pen I held them in. Many times the 'pets' I had were female, and sometimes they were male. I can never be quite sure what I was.

Its as though I'm on the outside, the one afflicting the pain and torture, but at the same time I'm the victim. In both cases, perhaps simultaneously, I feel and enjoy the domination and humiliation. I see from their eyes and I adore how safe it feels to have someone so in control of me, but I also feel the adrenaline from fear. I feel the power and the helplessness in equal parts.

I was young when these dreams were the most vivid. Incredibly young to be having those kinds of dreams... I'm talking preschool or perhaps younger. Looking back on them now, understanding the significance of the content of those dreams, I don't know if I'm disgusted or if I somewhat get off on it. In either case I'm wondering what this means for me as an adult. This is not the only case of disturbing dreams or behaviors I had during childhood either involving innocent BDSM games.

I don't think I'm capable of such things in real life. I have a sense of right and wrong. I know those things are not ok outside of a consensual relationship... which sadly would ruin the entire effect. I would never actually do these things. I'm a coward, and I'm fine with that.

That doesn't make it any less worrisome. Anyone have a clue what this means, if it means anything at all? Is this some kind of weird voyeurism fantasy where I feel like I understand all persons involved, or where I wish I could control the actions and reactions of other people the way I wish I could control my own? I don't believe I am a sexual sadist, so it must be something else...

I'd appreciate any thoughts or opinions... except 'seek help'. I know I need to do that. I'm looking for reasons, not advice. Thanks. :]