Thanks to everyone for your replies. I was going to respond indaividully but I don't even know where to start so I'll just say a collective thank you. I talked with my T the other day (who I really like btw- I think I just meant to say that he is saying recovery and change takes time..and that is frustrating to me. i want to be better NOW!) Anyway, I've been thinking a lot, some good- some not so good. I can relate to madisgram saying it would be doing her son a favor. I often think it would be doing my kids a favor. I called the pdoc the other day too who gave me a script for ativan and i think that has mellowed me out some. doesn't help the depression a whole lot (im in the process of titrating other meds for that) but may be a help for awhile to at least chill me out on the rages and the desire for self harm.
Again, thanks all.