what is a pcod? here is a much more illustrative approace to whats going on right now, i posted this on another forum.

im very confused right now, and i think i have been for years. i am 20 now, and ever since about high school things went sour for me. i may have multiple mental/emotional conditions such as schizophrenia, add, depression, bi-polar disorder, and social phobia so i can be happy or a wreck or either in no time. so understanding my feelings is very hard.

i feel very threatened by women getting close to me. i think they are beautiful, i think they have things to offer emotionally that i need, i like sex and my dominant role in it, etc. most girls do not seem my type, but there are those to whom im very attracted...inexplicably so. this may be significant because i generally dont think things through with these kinds of girls, im hesitant with anyone else.

as for guys, sometimes gay porn is exciting online, but so is animals midgets or what have you, so i dont know if i use this as an indicator. Actually doing something homosexual in real life has seemed intriguing at times but not so much as of late. i have run it through my head, and i dont think i would want to do anything with anyone else. its just not appealing to me

heres what i cant explain: good looking men kind of threaten me, like i dont want to make eye contact and i dont always know how to act around males. i have a so so relationship with my dad, nothing ever really close on an emotional level. im not really interested in making one now anyway, guess i could use some more respect and some more fear of me, rather than me being afraid of him (sort of). so i dont know who thinks that is significant, but im sure that has something to do with how i act now/or dont act now.

i have a few core friends that i am fine around (remember i said i am socially phobic, and this is almost a definate). i had this one friend where i used to live, and of the two of my friends from where i used to live, they are different. its like the one kid is more emotional, and deep, weak, things like that. but different. he might be gay i dont know, i know he doesnt have luck with women.

this other friend i have now...hes the kind of friend you connect with, that you trust and share a good deal with at your core. i have run the scenario through my head of sexual relations with this kid, and it does not interest me. yet when we chill sometimes i feel nervous and then other times i dont. you could almost liken it to me feeling confident and secure in myself, and others me seeking reassurance from others (which i dont like, i lead and not follow). i think i seek things from friends that some people arent willing to offer, i think i am a deep person, so i like to know how people are feeling on an emotional level, and it seems like most people are only interested in surface level discussions. i dont go around talking about the universe to anyone, its just good to know people that if you wanted to you could.

the thing is though, im not completely comfortable with where things are right now with him and i. we are friends sure, but something about it bothers me. i dont know how to explain it. this all could be in my head though, i mentioned above i have issues. because when i do chill with him its just cool you know, i dont desire anything more than what it is. i think i want him to think that i am cool too, but that is not a topic exclusive to this situation i dont believe. i have problems with showing off and not living for myself.

the strongest feelings of security are when i am my own man and dont require any crutches, i have no doubts, and i like being who i am. when im like this, people just look up to me and i make friends. the other me is a scared individual who doesnt know how to look at himself in the mirror, who cant look other men in the eye, who assumes inferiority rather than asserting dominance in any situation (such as a social event, work, etc).

you know, as im writing this i feel 15 times better than i did before i started, and i cant explain that either. i feel comfortable with who i am, i know where my friendships lay and what they mean, and i have compassion for women. yet tomorrow, i know this will be gone, perhaps sooner in 20 minutes it will be gone. thats why im so frustrated. i guess you could say im never in a good mood when i am considering where my sexuality lies. no matter how far i stretch my imagination of who i could be inside, it doesnt end up being comfortable if i imagine myself as being homosexual or bisexual even. i will have to accept who i am, but im only stating what i think i am ok with.

i get overly paranoid and think that almost certainly trivial things mean way more than they probably do. like ut oh you thought this that means you must be gay, and in the end i just get very mad at myself and my mind will not calm down because im constantly antagonizing myself about anything and everything. i really cant be too specific about anything because my entire outlook changes, daily (possibly bi-polar like i said), so my emotions change, my decisions, life goals, everything. its like im a new person every few days, and now and then i completely uproot my core understanding of self. so its hard to get a grasp and feel comfortable with the things i do. its hard for me to say right now, i could be repressing something i dont even see in myself or i could just be paranoid and seeking reassurance from people i dont know online....

i want to be honest, so i will say i am afraid of being gay (whether i am or not) i have a predisposed idea of not liking it. apart from that i would miss things that girls have to offer. i am going to see a therapist next week to go over my possible issues, maybe i will print this out for him to see what he thinks.