Another part of our session was 'exposure therapy'. I have this fear of her getting too close to me. A couple of weeks ago, I tried letting her sit next to me on the couch. That was awkward to say the least. I was not able to look at her. I only let her sit there about 3 minutes and then said, "Okay, that's enough."

She got up and asked me why that was so hard for me. I said my classic response, "I don't know!" Anyway, I tried that again today. I got up off the couch, removed the pillows and said, "I am going to do this today." She said, "What?"

Squiggle, "I am going to allow you to sit close to me without freaking out!" So we both sat down. Awkward! Then I asked her to change sides. That felt a little better. We talked a bit this way. Me totally not looking at her, though. I did get up the courage to look at her twice. She thought that was great progress! I thought I was being ridiculous!! Why is that so blasted hard for me to do? I am going to do that every session until I get over this and figure out what is going on.

I know what it is. I don't want to get too close to her. Getting physically close represents getting emotionally close. That is where the fear is. If I allow myself to get that close I am afraid of what might happen. I might become attached to her in some way. I do not want that. I am afraid to let myself trust her 100%.

This doesn't sound like the BEST session ever, but it really was. I was so relaxed for the most part. I really talked with her and told her how I felt about things. Normally, I would say, "I don't know" to every questions she would ask. But I did not do that today. I was pretty direct and asked for what I needed.