As I posted before, I left the hospital AMA because one of the social workers who thinks she knows everything just set off my trigger about what was bothering me was "just hear say". (like the police that I reported the situation to validated that the RN was actually doing what I reported but didn't have enough evidence for the DA to procecute her). Not being listened to is a big trigger for me & having lived through that whole period with no one even supporting me when my Mother was dying of cancer was all part of the problem besides all of what the RN had done.

My psychologist suggested going to an outpatient program which I started going to on Wednesday. It seems to be a fairly supportive group & everyone seems very nice & caring. But I guess, my stress is so bad that on the way home, I guess my mind went somewhere else & I rear ended the car in front of me when we were stopped for a stop light. My little Ford Escort bent his back bumper pretty bad....didn't do anything to my car which I can't imagine happening but.......anyway, we got all the information taken care of. I went on to the freeway to try & make it home to feed the horses at the ranch. About 1/2 hour after the first accident, my mind was somewhere else again, & I rear ended another car. It didn't look like anything except for a few scratches, but guess that by bumping the bumper, it has a way of making the bumper weekened & needs replaced. I am going to insist on getting an estimate from a repair place from my insurance & then the estimate from his place just to justify that it is valid. Hopefully I won't have to go through my insurance since 2 accidents within 1/2 hour isn't something I really want on my record. I don't know what happened. I had even had several cups of "real" coffee. I don't know if I blacked out, or dozed off, or what. I have a horrible feeling on not wanting to leave my home. I am afraid to drive & it seems like everything I touch, I mess up. I have relocated one of my dogs out to the ranch because my trainer was the breeder of the dog & part of the agreement is that she will take the dog back if I can't continue to have it on my own property. He has such a desire to come home with me that he jumps into my car & when I tried to get him out, he bit a huge bite in my finger.

I just want to crawl under my covers & never come out again. I am afraid to do anything & there are so many things that I have to take care of on top of having a new foal due in a couple of weeks. I just can't seem to handle anything anymore & the tears won't go away anymore. I have given up on doing some of the work that I was doing at the ranch because I just don't have any energy for anything. I can't sleep, I have nightmares that just won't go away, & I don't know what to do. There aren't any meds that I can take & am afraid to even try anything because of all the horrible reactions I have experienced.

I just want to give up permanently....& just can't take is anymore......there are just too many issues that have to be delt with & prioritizing is just fine to do but there are so many things that need to be done that even when I work on one thing, it takes over a month just to accomplish one thing on the list.

Triggers hit me & I don't even understand them & no one else will even back off just forcing things to get worse. I am so tired that all I want it to do is end it all. Even with the good thing of looking forward to my new foal just doesn't have any effect on my mind. My mind feels like it is completely out of control & no concept of how to do anything to help.

The only thing I feel like doing is giving up......I just can't take it anymore. I haven't been in this position for many years now & don't know how I got out of the feeling before.....it just kind of got better without my knowing what I did to make it better which sure doesn't this time.

Debbie