I've been working with my therapist for around 3 years now and I cannot look at him. Well I have issues with eye contact in general. I don't even look children in the eyes. It's not that I'm disrespectful. I'm terrified and I hate when people say that it's a sign of disrespect.

After 3 years shouldn't I be able to at least lift my eyes off the ground? I feel like it's a lack of trust in him in general. I still make him walk in front of me if we're going through a narrow stairwell or something. I still won't let him hold a door for me, because it requires me walking in front of him or getting too physically close to him. I really want to learn to trust him, but I'm so confused. I mean he knows a lot about me, but in general I don't trust him. I thought I did, but I think it was "surface trust". There are many ways in which I do not trust him. My actions prove it. I don't trust men in general, but it's not like I trust women either, but maybe a little bit easier.

I mean I have to eventually learn to trust him or how will I ever trust a husband in the future? I can't do those things with other men, and every man I asked to wait has left. I take too much time feeling my zones. I mean 3 years for a therapist is a really long time. I still at times force him to do therapy in the big group room so I don't have to be so physically close to him.

And my therapist does a lot with me, besides individual therapy. We go out to lunch, go shopping, hiking. I mean he's watched me help a feral cat with her newborn kittens and went with me to put one of ferals down when he was sick and I still cannot trust him. That seems like ample time to do so.

I am so afraid that he will hurt me not just emotionally, but physically. I even become paranoid in a sense that he will harm me. I think because he's the first "man" I've been close to. In a way it's good that we do stuff outside of therapy, but in another way it lets me see a side to him that may not always be therapeutic. Because he starts acting like a "person". Which I don't really blame him, because it would be really hard to be in therapist mode all the time, especially when you're bowling or something. It lets me know that "therapists are just people too". But then I need that opportunity to learn to trust someone COMPLETELY safe, before I trust someone who is not. Someone who has flaws. Therapists come across in therapy as understanding, open eared, open minded, but in reality they are just people also. I never really had a chance to be "transferent" on my therapist, because I know that he's human. I'd rather for all sake learn to trust a human robot first. Too bad he didn't come second he would have been a great lead into trusting men. Somewhat safe, somewhat not.

Who knows. Can anyone relate with the feeling of knowing too much about your therapist. Did it ruin the therapeutic relationship?

Would it be of interest for me to share this with him? Do you think it's repairable or should I go search out another therapist, preferably male?

Although I don't really want to have a male. When I first started with him, I really had no choice. I didn't choose him, that's for sure. It was a county appointed thing. I always had females before him. But it turned out okay. I have come a bit of a ways. When I first went to see him I made a female sit in with us and I didn't even talk directly to him. I cried bloody murder about not wanting to see a man. Refused to talk for months. Till I jimmied my way away from him. Then I was put back with him 9 months later and have been there since.