i'm so sorry you're having a rough time of it, SPRM. depression makes everything look like doom and gloom no matter how hard we try. actually i think it saps our mental energy. it sounds like you're making efforts to turn this around. keep trying, don't give up. this too will pass. i do jig saw puzzles to take my mind off the depression to give my depression a rest. it is distracting me when i do the puzzles. try doing something you enjoy doing even tho you feel so down. even a walk for no purpose gets you outside in the sunshine...sunlight helps thwart the depression. and keep posting...it does help. i know. a while back i was in a depressive episode. it helped to get my feelings out there.