I have image issues that are having a serious impact on my relationship, and have caused quarrels on numerous occasions. In order to explain myself, I feel like I need to start at the beginning (when I think this issue really started), so I know this post will be long. I apologize in advance.

I have struggled with image issues for the better part of my 26 years alive on this planet. They started when I was around 12 or 13, when a few of my thin girlfriends at school started skipping lunch because they wanted to be thinner. I began to look at myself in the mirror (looking back, I was skinny and active and had no reason to worry) and suck in my stomach, wished I had bigger breasts, a smaller waist, etc. The eating disorders started then and persisted throughout high school.

To add to my blooming confusion about my body, I was constantly moved around as a child and teenager. I was always "the new kid", having to reestablish friendships and adjusting to new rules at school. I started to feel out-of-place and unworthy of true love or friendship. It affected my romantic relationships as well. I just couldn't see myself as beautiful or worthy of anyone's time or attention.

The image issues were made worse by my father, who has been absent for a huge part of my life, but the times that we were together he constantly commented on how a woman had nice legs, or how his love of a woman's breasts, and would constantly reminisce about his old lovers and how amazing they were (my parents divorced when I was around 6 years old). I started comparing myself to the Playboy models in the magazines that he collected, or the porn that he watched (he watched porn in front of me, and analyzed those women as well). I wanted to look like them. Maybe if I was more attractive, more interesting, he would be more interested in ME as a person...maybe I would be worth his time. He is a good man, but a confused one. He never meant to damage my self esteem, but he did not have a father (he met the guy once, but my dad was a man at the time and not interested in getting to know a "father" who was never there for him), so he didn't have a good role model, or any support from his mother.

My mother always talked about how skinny and pretty she was before she had my brother and me. I always felt like I ruined her. She had my brother at 16 and recuperated well since she was active and young. Apparently, it was not as easy with me. I gave her stretch marks and she had a hard time losing the baby weight (and never has lost it...she is close to 100 pounds over her healthy weight right now) and she constantly made remarks about how fat she was, and how she couldn't wear certain clothes or do certain things because of her weight.

Now, I am approaching 27 years old, and have a baby of my own. I was not exactly happy with my body before hand, but now I am deeply insecure about the large stretch marks on my breasts, stomach and hips. Some women don't have any! Even after several kids, and I got them everywhere on my first one! He was a big baby, and I have never had much in the way of hips, so he really stretched me out. The marks are fading, but they will never go away completely, and I dread wearing a bikini this summer (and I think one pieces are for old ladies...and I an old lady already!?). I have been working out as much as I can, when my boyfriend will watch the baby for an hour, but I'm having a hard time losing weight. I was 115 pounds before getting pregnant, and I am now locked at 145 pounds, and can't seem to lose or gain anything. I'm breastfeeding, which is supposed to help, but it seems to be doing the opposite.

I feel very insecure with my boyfriend. He says he doesn't mind my weight or my stretch marks and has been supportive of me trying to eat a balanced diet (not starving myself, he cooks almost every meal and we are both vegetarian so we don't have a lot of fat in our meals) and he has always advocated a work out routine for mental and physical health and stress relief. Despite his support, I feel like he secretly wishes I looked like his ex lovers. I have unfortunately been forced to have a semi-friendship with his ex girlfriend of 8 years because they still talk. She is SO skinny. He says that she is too skinny, but it's hard to believe that he really feels that way. She is this glamorous artist living in California, and she has flawless good looks and an amazing intellect. If the situation was different, we would probably be friends, but I'm too jealous to have a healthy relationship with her, plus the added tension of being in a relationship with her ex boyfriend.

Anyway, all of these things add of to a constant rise and fall of my self image. Some days I look at myself and think "I look great! I may not be young and cute anymore, but I have a beautiful baby and I have the battle scars to show how hard I worked to bring him into the world". Other days, I hate my body. I feel ashamed that I am a mother, and feel like I will never be attractive again because who wants to have sex with an over weight mommy with stretch marks on her belly and who vaguely smells like baby vomit? I have been told over and over again that I am too hard on myself, but it is a habit of thought that is two decades in the making, and I struggle with breaking it.

I want to love myself more so I can be a role model to my son. I don't want him to have a mom who constantly comments on her weight, and who might give him a complex about his own body, or encourage him to look at women in an unhealthy way. I want him to be happy, and healthy, and I know that I have to be those things first, so he can learn by example. I can give him all the pep talks in the world, but at the end of the day my actions mean more.

I also want to have a healthy relationship that isn't plagued by my insecurity. When I have low self image, my attitude changes and I am no longer able to receive the love or support from my boyfriend that he tries to give me. It creates a barrier between us, blocking communication and slowly crushing his desire to stay in the relationship (who wants to be their partner's therapist all the time?). I don't know what sort of advice anyone can give me that I don't already know in my heart...but I continue to struggle with the same issues over and over. I'm not sure if I can overcome this, or if I will struggle with vanity and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness for the rest of my life because I can't let go of my narrow definition of beauty. I have been actively working on trying to do things that make me feel good about myself, such as writing and drawing and exercising, but I slip so often into the same old depression that I begin to feel like I should just accept that my disposition with always be that of inferiority and sadness.

Has anyone else had similar struggles, or feel they could shed some light on this? I know it is a base and superficial problem, but I have been struggling with it for so long that I feel like I need to explore the option of seeking advice from others.

Thanks for listening. This isn't something I can talk about with any of my friends or family right now.