3 year relationship just ended and now I can't seem to pull it together I'm pushing self destruct on a grand scale yet either can't or don't want to stop it. I've been on a binge for pretty much 3 weeks now I've slept with numerous women, spent 4 - 5 days on cocaine and alcohol binges and spent over 4 grand yet still I don't care, I took holiday from work unauthorized and I spend most days looking for a reason to implode, I want to hurt others, I want hurt myself, I hate this life, this utter freefall ... yet it'll turn and then I'll be able to conquer the world, It's ironic the illness is almost an addiction itself I've tried to reach out but it's he same patronizing "advice" yet if I don't do the simple things I'll continue to be consumed. I wish I didn't know I'm deteriorating, but I do. I wish I could say I am a good bloke and it wasn't meant to be, but I'm not. Volatile is the closet thing I can get to that describes how I feel, teetering on the edge, every single day. What hurts is I try so hard ..too hard.. I focus so much and analyze everything that I become paranoid and create delusional worlds and events that aren't rational never mind real.. Yet here I am reflecting on the sheer twisted irony that the only person that can help me, that can take the steps to do it continues to refuse too, why? because I deserve this, I play with peoples emotions, their feelings, I manipulate, I control .. I do it with such subtlety that I can make a person feel they are in the wrong with the simplest of suggestion. I deserve to see what I had and what I've lost.