What I DIDN'T expect was that this old pattern of REALLY feeling not good enough, and of feeling everyone is going to be angry at me and hate me, would come back. I forgot that was even a pattern for me, because it's been so long since it felt this bad. But here it is. I can't find my SELF. It's all about taking care of everyone and trying to make sure no one is angry. And, in the end, I think it's actually just MAKING people angry.

It scares me because it was SO unexpected and it's still SO powerful. I feel like I don't have to tools to deal with it, but I must. I just don't know what they are. I am trying to get quiet and find Me and find my higher power and figure out the next right thing to do, but I am a little paralyzed with fear, and a little lost. The thing with H this morning feels like a symptom of something bigger that is cropping up and it scares me and makes me sad.