I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. My emotions are intense.

So, I wasn't just a little frustrated or stressed. I was ~ HUGELY stressed out. Intense, inescapable emotions become overwhelming to me.

I am not an alcoholic, but drinking to avoid my mood isn't healthy either. So, I feel guilty for avoiding dealing with the emotions. Then, the beer loosens me up ~ but I go into the self-kicking tendency. Puting myself down for not being perfect. I'm too fat. I'm too ugly. My personality sucks. My bf deserves a much better person than I.

The words quickly become more and more dark. The thoughts can't be escaped. Part of me wants to get out as fast as possible, while another part reminds me that I really don't have anywhere else to go. A bad spiral downward.

I do have borderline p.d., which can explain the intensity of my emotions. Knowing that diagnosis doesn't help me get through these very dark times though. Sex could be a great stress reliever, and often is, for me with my bf. But I cannot get through the self-hate thoughts to get into sex, which isn't unusual for me, but it is miserable!

Hope that helps you understand a little better. I was afraid that no one would understand my perspective. I do tend to over-react to things, that's one of the traits of BPD. It just stinks

Shez