If there's a better place for this post, please move it; I'm new here, and this is my first thread.

My fiance of 2 years recently broke up with me. We lived together, and it's been very, very hard. He says he doesn't love me anymore - the ultimate abandonment! - but I can see how distraught and hurt he is over this. Part of me still believes there are feelings there, but that's sort of irrelevant now.

What I know is this: for all his flaws, he was a good man and a good partner. I, on the other hand, have not been. My BPD is better than it was, but it's far from under control. The months of coming home to me curled up in a ball sobbing on the bathroom floor, the suicide attempts and self injury, the pushing and pulling, the insults, rapid mood swings, rages, devaluing of him, manipulative behavior... It got to be too much for him. And the worst part is that I, like many other BP, barely noticed there was a problem! I hardly noticed that I was hurting him. I was too caught up in my own self-destructive selfishness to see him until it was too late.

I'm desperate. I feel like an idiot. It is not in my BP wiring to accept someone leaving me, but I love this man and I want to do right by him. After all I put him through, I want to offer him the love, dignity, and respect he deserves. I doubt he'd take me back. If I was him, and someone was as unpredictable and destructive as I was, I wouldn't want to marry them, either.

I've been in the rodeo long enough to know that my impulses to drive to his parent's house (where he's staying) and bang on his door until he listens to my assurances that I'll change won't get me anywhere. In fact, it'll prove the opposite: that I'm not changing. But this is agony. Any BP who's been through abandonment - real or perceived - knows what I'm talking about.

So this is my question: What can I do? I'm making myself crazy. I just want to beg until he changes his mind - and if I can't do that, I want to hurt myself. But I want a friendship with him (which he's open to) and maybe something more - God-willing - someday. And for that, I need to stop being so selfish and start treating him like he's human. Which means respecting his request for space, even though the abandonment is choking me. Who here has any insight?

jeez. that was longer than expected.

Additional Info: we're not speaking right now so that I can accept that he's done. there's a concrete date: May 18. he says we'll meet up before our college graduation, which we both worked so hard for. but the BP in me is afraid he won't show, and I'll never hear from him again...