i just found out yesterday that one of my two gerbils has got cancer and the other has suspected cancer too, they were both born on my bed and i held them both at one hour old, now they are two and a half years old, ok i know that their life expectancy is usually around three to four years, but their father lived till he was 5 and their mom was four and over a half! so they have good genes and should live till around the sama age i assumed. i am not ready to say good bye yet, they are the only family i have, they have been with me right through my illness, their father was with me through the death of my partner, i had such a great bond with their father and was so pleased to have his children to follow his line of decent, now it looks like the line is coming to an end. I know i should not prolong their suffering, or opt for them to be operated on if their quality of life after will not be good, but just can't bring myself to loose them, i will be totally on my own again and i hate that, it scares me. at least whilst i have my gerbil boys to care for i have something to live for in my darkest days, without them i am scared i will have nothing to stop me doing something silly that i do not want to do!
i love them sooo much, this is as bad as the time i was asked to sign a do not ressussitate form for my late partner, it feels like my heart is being pulled out again, i have to decide by Thursday what i want the vet to do
how many times can a heart be pulled out before it stops trying to rebuild itself?? i feel like a paving slab, you know the one right by the lampost where the dogs stop to do their buisness, one after the other after the other, just as it starts to clear down comes the next load of sxxt!
sorry to vent this, just needed to let it out!