I really trust my T. even though he is male. I had a bad experience with a female T who tried to take advantage of me so honestly I feel more comfortable with him. I guess it's hard to admit this to anyone.

I will try to turn things around in my head and not think about hurting myself. It really scared me when I found directions on the internet...before then it was something I've wanted for a very long time but not really a possibility...directions made it more possible.

I know deep inside it won't change anything and it's irrational to think otherwise. Sometimes feelings get the best of me and I really want to self-destruct and make the pain stop.

For now, it's probably best if I don't spend much time on the computer.

Thank you for your reply.