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As I mentioned this is an old issue. FIL has always favored his oldest and youngest children. I have never cared for the oldest. She is the one that has a daughter two weeks older than mine.
The youngest was a pain in the butt. She was 9 when hubby and I started dating and was a spoiled brat. Although once she got out of college she started to mature and I love her to death.
It is the middle SIL that is going to the graduation. She’s the peacemaker in the family.
This favoritism has caused a great deal of hurt feelings in the family. My daughter and niece were very close when they were 5ish. Like sisters. Both of our families returned to the area about the same time and those girls were together all the time. BUT my daughter grew to resent her cousin because her grandparents favored her so much. Little things like going for ice cream became a drama. The girls would be together and he’d say “come on A, lets go for ice cream.” And my daughter would come home crying because she was not invited. I’ve tried to explain to my daughter that it’s not A’s fault. She doesn’t even speak to A anymore. Yet she continues to seek her grandfather’s approval.
It is more pronounced with the girls. They are the same age and for many years there were only the two girls among a gaggle of boys. So when Grandpa attends A’s graduation, parents night etc. (both colleges are equal distances from his home) my daughter notices. A attended the same college as youngest SIL. FIL would wear sweatshirts with that college’s name and logo. Daughter bought him a half dozen from her college and gave them to him for Christmas and Birthday. I’ve never seen him wear them. Even though he GOES to that college every two years to keep up his continuing eds to remain a paramedic.
Speaking of college; my in-laws paid for their three daughters (birth order 1, 2 and 5) to attend college. The two boys however were left to either pay for it on their own or not go. So there has never been a balance.
My husband has discussed this issue directly with his parents many times as have his brother and all of his sisters. We had a big blow up when my MIL died because FIL neglected to include my daughter with his other granddaughters in the funeral service. So a month later when SIL#5 adopted another child and FIL was planning a trip to visit the newest grandson and invited the other three granddaughters to go with him all FOUR of my SILs specifically asked him if he’d invited my daughter. He flat out lied and said he did but my daughter refused. My daughter was 18 years old and crying like a baby when she found out that they’d all gone and once again was left out. That was a very bad time, she kept asking what was wrong with her, what she did to make him act this way.
When my MIL was alive, she did appear to feel really bad but never gave an explanation. I remember one Christmas when my daughter was about 8 there was a weird vibe in the air. FIL walked in and said something about gifts. My MIL tried to shush him but he just said “these are just for the girls, the boys will just have to understand.” I was already annoyed because that isn’t fair. You don’t just get a special gift for the girls! I have three boys, what explanation was I going to give them? I thought that was why my MIL kept telling me she was sorry. My MIL tried to tell him to wait until after church (when we’d be gone), FIL wasn’t having it. Nope, FIL walked back into the room with three stockings; one for each one of my nieces. Even my oldest SIL couldn’t believe they’d forgotten my daughter. All my daughter could do was cry. Her brother’s didn’t understand because they hadn’t gotten an extra present either. My MIL tried to put some money in an envelope for her, but of course she didn’t want it. It wasn’t even the gift, just the fact that once again she was forgotten.
All my FIL has said on the subject is that our daughter has always been so busy (with extra curriculars then later a job also) that he just assumes she doesn’t want to participate in whatever. He also mentioned something about having my parents there for her.
My daughter has worked extremely hard in college. In addition to being on the dean’s list every semester she was the President of Psi Chi , President of their local Unicef chapter, TAing, having her own research project and belonged to several other organizations that raised money and assisted underprivileged youth. She’s mentored a child in that community for the last four years.
I am VERY proud of her. I understand she’s feeling hurt. I’d like to shake that old man! But she’s done this all without his help or encouragement. She doesn’t need him! The only time I have feared that my husband was going to physically hurt someone is when something like this happened. He is angry beyond composure and if he saw his father right now I truly think he’d punch him. He came SO close at his mother’s funeral. He’s not a violent man, but he was violent that day, it took me, two SIL and my BIL to hold him back, put him in a car and drive him away. It was not only the treatment of my daughter that day but also FIL blatant disrespect for his wife’s last wishes.
I just wish they’d write him off and forget about him. He’s stopped calling my phone, I don’t answer when he calls. I have nothing to say to him. I know both my daughter and husband feel I’m being dismissive and over simplifying, but for crying out loud he’s been an @ss for the forty odd years I’ve known him. Either accept him as he is or avoid him!
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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