Most of you know I've been unable to work for several months now.

I've also complained about how no one wants to stay in contact with me anymore, including my "friends" from work.

About a week ago I heard from one of them (from work). He said he's been busy, that they probably didn't get my emails at work, and a load of other bs. Anyway water under the bridge. I complained that the boss there has not answered my emails and has not been in contact at all with me since he asked me for my key back. I reminded this guy that the last I heard from the boss, he was willing to let me work on the company newsletter from home, and that he said he would send me the information for it. He didn't do that and I didn't hear from him again until he asked for the key back. I also made it clear that these new emails were private (they were to his home email, not his work email) and I was aggravated about the bosses behavior but didn't want him to know I was complaining about it.

I asked the guy from work if he was going to bring me some stuff I left at work. This is stuff he was going to bring me months ago, he set up a date to come by but that date past and I haven't heard from him since (up until a week ago). He said he would bring my stuff sometime during that week, and I offered that he could drop it at a mutual friend's house if it was more convenient (I was thinking that he might be uncomfortable visiting me, so this way he had an "out" and I could still get my stuff).

The week past, and once again NOTHING! Didn't email, didn't bring my stuff, didn't drop it off at my friends. For me, "been there done that". It is likely he doesn't realize what a big deal this is for me.

So TODAY I suddenly get an email from the boss: "glad to hear you want to work on the newsletter, here is the stuff. When can I have a proof?" WHOA!!! That was MONTHS AGO! Obviously this guy said something to the boss about being in touch with me recently, it is also a good bet that he offered me up for the newsletter because no one at the shop likes doing it.

I am certainly not prepared to take this on in short notice, especially with my lack of any sleep for the past week or so. I couldn't concentrate on it even if I wanted to.

But there's more...

I later got another email from someone else at work, another of my "friends" there, again apologizing for the lack of contact (he's been busy--apparently every single person at work has independantly had some personal issues that made any of them too busy to contact me for three straight months or more) and asking about the newsletter, oh, and BTW how was I doing? His reason for contacting me I think was sincere, he obviously also spoke to the other guy at work about me, and realized that the boss jumped the gun with sending me the newsletter stuff without anyone having asked me about it. But I'm still angry that they all want to be friends but no one wants to take the time or effort to do any of the things that friends do (like answer my emails or visit or see how I am doing).

That's a lot of venting, I'm pretty hot over this, my anxiety level has gone through the roof in the past few hours. (how am I going to sleep TONIGHT??!!) It is only because of a miscommunication, possibly some laziness and "passing the buck", and a "professional" urge to clarify the issue that they have contacted me at all. Plus still no word at all about the stuff the guy was supposed to bring by!

But to more practical matters, I haven't answered them yet. This boss expects everything to be done immediately, that's just how he is "When can you have a proof" means "tomorrow". Getting this done quickly is out of the question because I've been out of the loop for so long, plus I can't possibly work on it until I get my current med situation sorted out and get some sleep. He sends the newsletters out on the 15th of each month and I doubt that he would want to go past that.

But more importantly I would like to do the newsletters, if he won't wait for this one I can offer to take this on for next month and beyond. This would be wise because it would keep me doing something and would also keep me in touch with my job there. But the other side of the coin is that I don't know that I really WANT to do it! I seriously think I do not want to go back to work there at all, with so much having past I don't trust anyone there anymore and if my anxiety is going to get this high just from an email I don't know if it is wise for my health (my heart started to race as soon as I saw email from them in my in-box, before I even read the emails to see what they wanted).

I doubt that I am asking for advice here, because I already know that the right thing to do would be to keep the lines open even if I don't end up back there. Don't burn the bridges. I am just so angry upset and anxious I can't even think straight.

I don't trust them, i don't want to trust them, i don't want to be friends anymore, i don't even want to try to fix things. I hate feeling this way. It is a very small company and working there with personality conflict is out of the question. Boss likes to think and always talks about how much like a family it is, not just work but in a personal sense that he cares about everyone so much. He makes such a huge deal that last year he came to my house to dig me out of the snow, wasn't that so nice of him? Of course, because he wanted me AT WORK!! Where was he this year when I was snowed in? Hippocrite. Typical I guess.

Am I rambling? This has me pretty upset.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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