for the first time since Fall of 09, and I have another appointment set up for next monday afternoon (side note: I haven't slept in 30+ odd hours, so I was probably not the most coherent when I spoke to him today...). I always end up canceling or "missing" possible appointment times when I've gone to set up appointments in the past, so... it kinda feels like a big-ish deal to me (so I guess you should all be proud of me [insert celebratory emoticon pizza for effect])

But it always feels weird after I talk to him. Not to sound whiny or anything, I guess I'm still just not used to the whole therapy thing--I mean, he's the only mental-health professional-type person I've ever talked to, and I'm already pretty bad at sharing, verbally, about myself and my feelings, and the resulting awkwardness, along with the usual post-session vulnerability, is still really weird and new to me.... After a session, I always end up asking myself why I even needed to talk, particularly to him, in the first place, it's like I immediately feel like I never needed to do so to begin with, usually followed by a sudden disdain for the sessions, but then I have to remind myself that, yes, there was a reason for going to him in the first place... I don't actually know if there's a point to this... I think part of me is still resisting the thought of changing, regardless of what the logical half of me is saying.

I haven't hurt myself since September, but mostly because I hadn't been feeling any need or desire to--plus, I told my boyfriend, that I was finished with it, which definitely helped to mentally turn it down (not necessarily for me, though; mostly for him -- that's not bad, is it?). By the way, was that technically lying when I had technically not harmed myself since September, even if I wasn't/am still not totally sure that I'm done with it? I'm probably going to talk to him (boyfriend, that is) about it this weekend; I could use the support. I don't really want to go to another session on monday, but I probably should. I suppose it's just easier not to worry about it, but then, I guess that's not the point, is it?

Just rambling, I guess. It helps a bit to type it all out in front of me where I can see my thoughts and respond to them myself... Thanks for reading this long thing anywho.