Hi Perna,
She can definitely be very insecure with a very strong urge to make sure she is in control. I don't like being her doormat. I don't want her to submit to me like an "inferior" person. I just want her to be a relatively equal partner in our marriage.
I have tried to ignore her criticisms. I've tried active listening skills. I know that I am too sensitive. After a while, I can't seem to resist standing up for myself. In our last argument I kept my voice calm, I acknowledged what she said, I tried to find common ground, etc. It didn't help. She would just keep repeating the same things over and over again.
Anyway, now she has unilaterally decided that it would be best for us to have a break from each other. She thinks we should just think things out. We've done this several times. Once again, when there is an opportunity to work hard on overcoming our marital issues, she runs a way. How can I trust or even communicate with someone who just bails on me. Every time she pulls away, I just want to just get away from her. I want to end this ridiculous cycle. It may sound stupid to some people but my conscience what allow me to just get a divorce.
I also agree that we did at least tend to spend more time with each other than the average couple. That's why I proposed the compromise not being completely separate but not just jumping back into the same pattern together. It's a vicious cycle. I thought maybe there was a way to break the cycle by trying to balance our time together and apart temporarily until we worked out more of our problems. I'm tired of being stuck. I want to find myself again...I want to go on with my life.
David
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Originally Posted by Perna
I'm so sorry you are having difficulties with your marriage. Your wife sounds like my stepmother's and my relationship; both of us anxious/controlling.
If you would like to stay with your wife, I would try to ignore the criticisms, respond with something pleasant ("I wish that were possible!" when she carps about your not working) and just more or less saying something positive and supportive so there's no where for her to go with the criticism.
Being positive in yourself with your statements about yourself, has to shut down her criticism because she can't argue about "you" and what you feel. It's the old "relax" and you are harder to carry off the protest site trick :-)
But it does sound like she is just carrying on from what she learned from her mother. Have you all tried therapy together? With both of you on disability though, sounds like your relationship is more ingrown/together than one would normally be and not much else "exciting" going on? It could be you don't "just let go of your wife" because you can't imagine anything else?
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