I've been really manic for the past 3 months. Either I'm manic or depressed, I don't even know, being a rapid cycler just sucks. It's about 5 in the morning right now and my thoughts are driving me nuts. My meds aren't working, I'm on a 100 mg of Lamotrigine...I used to be on Geodon, but I hated the side effects so I switched. Anyways, I don't know, it was helping with my mood swings but when I dive into another gruesome episode it just gets worse.

My thoughts are driving me crazy, I wish they would just stop. I'm really freaking myself out, I'm beginning to realize how nuts I really appear to everyone else and it's just really scary. I've been in a psych ward for an attempt at suicide and right now I'm thinking about it again because I'm tired of having to deal with this. I'm sobering up, used to be addicted to pills, and I'm kicking alcohol but now I think it's messing with my brain or something I don't know...

My thoughts keep jumping to conclusions that everyone's mocking me, that no one likes me and thinks I'm a selfish, idiotic, jerk. It doesn't help that most of my friends are drug addicts, so I can't hang out with them anymore sooooooo yeah I don't really have any friends. I used to. I just feel terrible, I'm losing my mind. It's annoying when the majority of people around you can't help you. So you're constantly battling yourself and convincing yourself that certain things aren't true all the time. I'm about to erupt again.

I need help.