Hi everyone,

I'm feeling really depressed. I went through a manic epsiode relapse last December and I haven't recovered. I almost feel like I am going backwards. I am having such a hard time to seek relief or comfort. I would like to reach out to friends, but it feels like I'll have to relive the experience (my thoughts of steering my life into a ditch, accepting what happen, facing regrets, low self-esteem from the aftermath) and that feels really hard and frightening to me. I always want to avoid it. I do want the support of friends and hang out again but I am hurting inside and I almost want to cry. I feel like I'll just unload on anyone of them. Eventhough on the surface I appear fine, inside I am crumbling with fear and emotion. I wished this recovery would be linear progression forward, but I think I am facing something I've always tried to avoid. I have tried to breeze through these setbacks pretty much ignoring the feelings. [My feelings are specifically related to losing two semesters of school, losing to school postions for a marketing club, and the dorm housing board, and not communicating sooner to my friends and collegaues about what happened] After the hospital, I felt invincible and able to reintergrate with confidence and ease. Now my depression and feeling of lose and the inability to reconnect with those I was close to. I want to ignore my sad feelings but I cannot. I am afraid to tell them. I am usually the postive and ambitous type with my friends, now I'm suffering and hurt. I don't know what to do or how to convey my feelings or get over my grief. It sucks because my therapist says that talking about it with friends and loved ones will indeed help soothe the pain. But I am avoident because I don't want to relive the experience in my mind everytime I talk to them. However, even as I isolate I relive the experience, it hurts and the future feels bleek. I don't know what to do, I don't know the baby-steps...any advice? I feel the longer I let this happen, the worst it will get and the more difficult it will be to connect with those I was once close to. I can no longer put up a front that everything is alright. I am hurting inside and feel regret, embarassment. This relapse seems so hard to manage. I would love to heard a voice also, than just write and email but I just can't get over the hurdle to call and seek some comfort. =(

Please help