|
Hi. I am new to this site and am so grateful to have finally found a safe, supportive place.
I have been dx'ed with Complex PTSD w/ psychosis NOS and Bipolar Disorder. I won't get into the gory details but I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused at the hands of my so called biological "father" for 15 very long years. Every sick, vial thing you can think of happening, happened. Every single day. Started when I was 2 went on until I was 17.
I am now 28 years old and have been suffering for a long time. The flashbacks consume me. I am in a constant state of depression or in complete rage with the depression. I'm also a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I still struggle with pain pills at times. I have used/use to mask the hatred burning inside of me...all of the pain from my past that I have never truly dealt with. I've overcome cutting, eating disorders and other things but I am stuck in this deep depression. I feel like it's slowly killing me inside. I have such an intense self hatred, I've never learned to love myself. I have guilt and shame plaguing me. My skin crawls and I feel trapped and I want OUT. Everyone I try and talk to don't understand why I can't just "get over it". 3 words I despise. This has caused me to shut down inside and continue shoveling it all underneath inside while I throw up my fascade. "I'm just fine"
I am a SAHM to my beautiful 3 yr old daughter and I do a fantastic job at putting up a fascade and hiding all of this pain from her. I have perfected hiding all of this **** and burying it all inside. I hide behind this mask that I have perfected over the years. No one can see the pain inside, unless they look hard enough into my eyes.
My daughter is a non verbal autistic as well as being ADHD. Her special needs are very time consuming because not only am I a SAHM - I homeschool her as well. It is the most rewarding job I could ever have and I am truly blessed to have her in my life and to be her mother. It's challenging at times but she is the light of my life. She keeps me going. She keeps me out of the hospital because she deserves better. She is my inspiration to be a better person. Her having Autism has changed our lives ... for the better. I choose not to focus on it being a "disability" but rather different abilities. I want to raise her to embrace her differences.
I live in constant chronic pain. My spine is that of someone twice my age. I have Degenerative Disc Disease, multiple herniated discs, extensive arthritis and nerve damage, sciatica, and facet joint damage. I am only 28 years old and I will be lucky if I make it to 35 years old without some kind of assisted walking. I am terrified of ending up in a wheelchair and losing all mobility. I can't walk for more than 10 minutes at a time, stand still for more than 5 minutes, etc not to mention I cannot walk without pain in my every step...so I feel like I am getting dangerously close to that point.
I must juggle all of this with my mental illnesses and I feel like I am losing my mind. Like I am dying inside slowly. I have no one to talk to, no support. At all. I do everything on my own. I am married but feel like a single parent trapped inside a marriage. I have a PDOC and see a therapist. My meds are half a$$ed working and I've been searching for the right combination for over 11 years. I fear I will never know what true happiness is. What it's like not to be consumed with intense self hatred.
I am miserable and so alone. I cannot cry as I have no tears left to cry.
I'm sorry this is so long, I guess I really needed to get this off my chest. I'm happy to have found somewhere I can go where others may know what I'm going thru...thanks.
-Jess
__________________
"Trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs. There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb. Try to hold this under control, they can't help me cause no one knows" - 3 doors down "changes"
|