Wow, You have so many challenges my friend.

I don't know how to address the physical pain but maybe I can help with the other pain that takes from what you DO have.

There are a lot of people here that suffer so much abuse. It is a painful thing to see, the words of how do I, how can I? HELP!!!!

I know how you feel when you say you feel dirty, and cannot seem to erase that feeling. I also know how it feels to be asked to just get over it, or its in the past, gone, let it go. Those are words that come from people who just have no idea how it really feels. If only it was just that easy, we can say.

Much of what you are feeling is not only the incredible betrayl, but that someone who was suppose to love you unconditionally and safely, failed you. Because you were so young when it all started, you really believed that it was a form of love. And you believed that your father was somehow loving you. This is one of the most difficult betrayls of all for any young girl. For any woman who experiences this past, at some point they do recognize the significane of the this betrayl and how they participated within it. The guilt is overwhelming and the betrayl extends to infinity.

Somehow you begin to realize that it was not really love, only a manipulation and that causes even more pain and is even harder to wrap your mind around. And then you are angry at yourself because you think that you allowed it to happen and you are just as bad. There may have even been moments of pleasure and that is even worse because you now know that it was not normal, so you think you are normal. And you cannot look at your body with any respect at all. And you even want to somehow climb out and start over, but you can't.

When all of this comes into focus then somehow the anger starts. Now, it is normal be be ANGRY at what has happened. BUT, it is important to know that ANGER is the most destructive of all of our emotions. It can do great harm and it can hurt not only you but everyone and everything around you. You do have to feel it and acknowledge it as a part of healing but, you have to know when to LET THE ANGER GO. You cannot let it consume you, it is not healthy and will make you worse. A good signal of when it is getting out of control is when you want to hurt yourself. Or when all you see or feel is the ANGER. Anger will and can draw attention, an attention that is somehow, somewhere, needed or missed or it can even replace the feeling of abandonment. BUT, it is never a healthy way to heal. Do we need anger? Yes, BUT, we have to be very careful with that emotion. We have to monitor it very carefully.
This can a hard thing to do when we have endured this kind of abuse.
But, the only way we can even hope to heal is to not let ANGER TAKE OVER.

Your body did not do anything wrong. Your body is just an innocent vessel and it does belong to you. So you have to start by accepting your body and caring for it as an injured victim, NOT the VILLIAN.

So, I would suggest that you think about this. Whenever you bath or dress your body, say Im so sorry, you are me and we were abused. You bath your body with care and kindness, every part that was hurt or abused. Your body was never your enemy, it was confused just like you, it was lied to just like you, it shivers with fear, just like you, it needs love, just like you. It is not bad, neither are you. You didn't know any better, you thought it was love, so you were told. Someone lied to you and your body.

Take your arms and tell your body, its okay now, we will heal each other, you are really mine now, you belong to me and I wont let him hurt me and oe you anymore. I am going to forgive myself and give the pain to to the real abuser, my father.

When Jesus walked the earth he said the anyone who abuses a child deserves to be tied to a stone and thrown into the ocean. It is not a secret, the abuser knows, he will pay a high price.

Open Eyes