first of all, let me apologize for not seeing your post sooner.

i am so sorry for all the pain that you are feeling now. i wish i could do something to take it away.

are you seeing a therapist? if you can, i think it would be a very good idea. and how about a support grief group? keep posting here. there are tons of good supportive people here who will help you. PM me if you need to. xoxoxo pat