i read your post hours ago and i couldn't stop thinking about it. you said you should have told someone sooner, and asked for ideas why you didnt. i can't answer that for you, only tell you why i didn't. i was so ashamed and angry and torn to pieces. i still am. i couldn't handle the idea of anyone knowing. part of it was the fear that i would somehow be blamed, questioned, accused. i kept hearing it in my head like a broken record, "Why you?" and "what were you doing there?" and "what were you wearing?" and i kept trying to figure out what i did wrong and I lived in fear of someone saying to me, "this is what you should have done, and it happened because you didn't". As time passed my reasons changed. i didn't want people to look at me and see only that. i told so few people and with the exception of my husband, i deeply regretted doing so. i had this awful feeling that every time they looked at me they knew and it left me so ashamed, and even worse, alone. have a new doc now, and i know that i need to just get it out because its eating me up inside, consuming me.
you're brave for speaking up, no matter how long you waited, and don't ever blame yourself for staying silent. i'm sure you had your reasons, and i know one day you'll understand them.
Flashbacks are frightening and i wish i could tell you how to deal with them but i haven't found a fool proof solution. I have them whenever someone tries to touch me, or if someone grabs me or takes me by surprise. Sometimes they're triggered by the most mundane things and i know i couldn't have possibly anticipated having one. The hardest thing is convincing yourself that youre safe and for me i try to ground myself. i focus on my surroundings and will myself to be there and sometimes that works. There are times that i panic and just want to run or hide or crawl inside myself. i hope that you can find someone to talk to about what you're going through. Group can be really helpful. i tried it years ago and somehow listening to how others healed gave me the hope that i would. just know that poeple are here to listen whenever you need to vent.