Is it so wrong to want some happiness in my life, after struggling with crippling depressions over 3 years? Even if this happiness comes at a price...where I may go into a mania?

I've jokingly told my doctor that "I could really go for a manic episode right now", even though I know it gets awful really quickly. At least, if I were manic, I'd be energetic and happy, even I was also delusional and having hallucinations.

My Zoloft was just increased from 50mg to 100mg today. I'm just really hoping for some happiness. I don't really remember what it's like to be genuinely happy, without the mania coming shortly afterwards. I guess...I just want to feel normal, balanced.

Can anyone relate to this?