Wow, I'm sorry you are going through this. Separation and Divorce with kids is really challenging. I have BP and went through a rough custody battle. We worked with a custody mediator and that helped a lot. It doesn't sound like you're at that point yet, but I highly recommend one if you go the divorce route.

My ex and I don't necessarily get along, but if we have issues pertaining to our son we talk about them when our son at school, asleep or send the other one an email. Has your counselor recommended that you communicate via email or telling your wife that you'll call her back when she is calm or that you're not talking about your daughter if she is present?

My ex calls me off and on to take my son but it's usually work related. I rarely if ever ask him to take my son on my nights and many times he is busy so I do take it quite personally when a majority of the time he says no to me. In the past if he is unavailable, he would also say get a babysitter.

If you do go the divorce route, I'm not sure what state you are in, but in California it does seem like most of my friends and I have doen the 50/50 split. I've heard mixed information I've read online that some people and states say it's always in favor of the mom but from what I've seen in the last 5 years in my circle in California, the courts see the importance of the child spending time with both parents especially if the dad wants it and is prepared for it.