Hello, since being kid, i always thought something is not right with me. As time progressed, i started seeing more downsides/problems of/with my personality. I will tell you about them in this post.

2 Sides Of Personality But Not Split Personality

With close people to me like my mom, a person that i know most well in my life and know that this person will always understand my downsides of personality, i do not think of how do i look in her eyes, what my reputation is in her eyes. Therefore i do not try to hide anything from her and always behave the way i truly am. I am not trying to pretend somebody i am not.

With other people, i always try to show myself as serious, intelligent person. I try not to talk when there are many people around me, because i am not good at it. I am simple person and when it comes to talking with people, i try to appear as serious and intelligent person to them. I do not want them to know anything bad about myself like how lazy i am as an example.

It seems to me that what other people think is more important what my mother thinks of me. So if i am with mother and somebody else is near, i try to be "somebody else". This ties to the following:

The Value Of Reputation - Losing Myself And Feeling Stupid

Somehow i feel ashamed when people call me with bad words or when they raise their voice or yell at me. It makes me feel ashamed somehow feeling that i have problem and misunderstood something - feeling some kind of guilt and often my face becomes read and i am stressed in tension especially when a lot of people are around and following this i stop hearing and cannot understand what person continues to say to me after that as i am concentrated on what yelling person thinks about me at the moment and what people around me think about me also. This ties to the following problem:

Lack Of Attention And Understanding

When people speak to me, i often find myself losing attention and do not understand what they say to me. This leads back to Value Of Reputation. This also happens when i watch certain type of movie which involves "investigation and finding the bad guy", movie like recent "Sherlock Holmes" movie. I watch such movies with "brain turned off" when i start feeling that i do not understand movie. Somehow i cannot connect dots or forget about some dots (scenes). Mother said it is dylexia, but i don't know what to think.

Sometimes i feel like i am about to understand something, i feel very close to it like something is about to "click", but something in my mind prevents me to figure it out. Mostly this happens with mathematical equations.

When all the above happens, i lose my confidence completely. I try to talk as less as possible with people, lose focus on my goals, start criticizing myself and all thoughts i have for the rest of day is about this making me upset with myself for half or the rest of the day.

There is another hurdle. I am more than 11 years in Israel after immigration and do not possess enough knowledge of hebrew language and 50% of time do not understand what people saying. Instead of telling them that i did not understand them, i keep on listening because saying that i do not understand hebrew well makes me feel somehow uncomfortable which ties to 2 Sides Of Personality But Not Split Personality.

Also i fear people, especially after i come outside after spending half week at home with computer. Looks like i live in virtual life and feel easier to talk with people online by typing on keyboard than talking with them in real life. When i talk with them online, i have time to think things out and make right/logical decision. When i talk with real person, i am in tension and cannot think smart or forward or analyze situation and often find myself lacking answers on some questions that i could have asked if i talked with that person online by typing.

Feeling That Other People Have Bad Opinion About Me

Sometimes it seems to me people have bad opinion about me which mostly is not the case. If somebody had a bad day, looks at me with angry face, i feel that it has something to do with me.

There was once time when i asked bank accountant to re-calculate something and she did face that seemed to tell that i am stupid by asking that question, while, probably this wasn't the case. Maybe she just questioned herself that maybe something in her calculation was not right?

I Am Close To 30 And Still Do Not Have Girlfriend

All above is the reason i don't have girlfriend. I am not confident i can give her something like my confidence, safety and protection (i never fought seriously and now i am with glasses). Maybe there are girls out there who do not think what i said above is important and will love me for the way i truly am. I also do not want girlfriend because i will have responsibility like entertaining her, protecting her, giving her gifts or go to public places with her. I will have to socialize with people and experience problems mentioned above which will reveal to her who truly i am, so there is no point pretending somebody who i am not. I think this all ties to above problems.

I do not have driver's license mostly because lack of confidence of being able to drive and all reasons above. I did not work for a few years now, because of last incident and stress i had on job. I cannot do 2 things at the same time (lack of multitasking i assume)? If i am to do something then it will be the only thing i will do and can concentrate on. I had a job requiring attention, speed and politeness. When i was losing myself and felt stupid (see above), i think i experienced panic attacks.

However in my life i tried to start with several girls without thinking of responsibility, but luckily or unluckily i was not their guy.

I do not like to shower often and i am fat, but when i fall in love, this changes 180 degrees - i shower every day, go to gym in order to be atractive and in shape, but again i am trying to be who i am not.

I do not believe that violence is the answer in first place. I am diplomatic person and try to resolve things in good way so everybody wins, but if that fails, i believe this is when violence comes because only then person understands.

I Have Only 2 Friends

I had a few more when i was in school, but as time gone by, i lost connection with them and they became "old friends" which sometimes i meet, but since everybody is grown up, i believe they don't have time for me since they must think about their lives i.e education, work, family...

Regarding my 2 friends in present, i do not want to meet with them sometimes when they ask (which is rarely) because i am all comfortable at home in front of my computer.

My Properties

My good properties: kind, generous, good deeply in heart, take grammar seriously because it tells something about person's intelligence, feel pain when looking on bums on streets and wishing i could help them, cannot stand when it comes to deceiving or scamming people, sometimes can do good things for others instead for myself, selfish but only for myself and not for others i.e if i want pizza i can refuse to myself but not for my friends, i never humiliate person unless he humiliates me first.

My bad properties: mostly unfriendly, egoistic, lazy, do not like when people are staring on me, avoiding direct contact with eyes of people i don't know, thinking too much, worrying about unnecessary things, taking everything too close to heart, suspicious, sometimes cheap, don't like to throw old things away especially if they mean much to me, have tendency to animal sadism (very disappointing. If you have advice and want to help me, please send me message)

What I Think Is My Purpose In Life

I discovered this 3 years ago. Prior to this, i never knew what was my purpose in life. Most people know what they want, but i didn't.

My First Objective: I want to become successful and honest businessman, improve my and my mom's health and improve quality of our lives.

My Final Objective: I want to help poor people, donate to non-profit organizations, establish workplaces to offer more jobs to unemployed.

I have a big goal in life, but am not confident if i can achieve this especially with my problems.

This is all i can tell at the moment. I would really appreciate professional advice. Maybe i have syndromes that must be identified?