I have a couple of things that are bothering me. First, I feel like I'm never good enough. To be exact, I want to have the perfect (clean) house, be the perfect wife and mother, I want to be a Stepford Wife! That's my goal. But it's unattainable, and it's driving me nuts that I keep reaching for that goal and just can't get there. I am totally obsessed with having a clean house. I can never relax, because there's always something left to do. I know it's because that's how I was raised, but that's also driving me nuts, that I can't just sit down and relax. I have totally unrealistic expectations in myself. I don't expect others to be like that, I don't care if someone else's house is dirty or clean. But mine has to be. (And it's not that it would make me feel superior or anything like that if I had the perfect house, it would just give me the right to relax, to just breathe.)

The other thing is that I am absolutely TERRIFIED of getting old. I am 36 now, and I feel like my life is almost over. My hair is turning grey. Gravity is starting to take its toll, especially after two kids. Getting old scares me to death. Not being able to walk fast anymore (I'm not at that point yet), or run, or do anything else physical, sports. Losing my teeth. That's a huge one! I have a lot of weight to lose, and it makes me so sad that even if I get back to my early marriage weight, I will never be "hot" again, like I was then. People my age, or older, aren't "hot" anymore. "Attractive" is as good as it gets. "Not showing her age". It makes me so sad that there are a lot of clothes I can't wear anymore, simply because I'm too old. I have lots of clothes still from when I was younger, and skinny. Even if I lose all the weight, I will never be able to wear them anymore. They're all just memories now. Memories of the life I used to have. I feel like I've lost half my life to this stupid depression. Wasted time. years spent just simply surviving.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with any of this. I just had to get all this off my chest. It's been bothering me for a long time.